A Owl?

Either English isn't this dude's first language, or he has an awesome sense of humour, or I should worry about the state of people today... I saw an ebay listing for "A OLD OIL CAN". So, thinking it was just a typo (then copied and pasted into the description) I sent in a question for the giggles: "Izzit like a owl?"

I received [SIC]: "i am sorry i donot no want you mead a bout it looks like a owl. i just took pic. thanks" Mind you, further investigation reveals that he likes "colactables" and "a antique" or two - and I discovered what is now my all-time favourite listing: "a collactable door stop of a dog". Something about that phrase really tickles me. 

My brain reads that and translates it as: "Ugh. Rover's a complete door stop of a dog."

Housework - dusty.

Phew! I'll be glad once everything's finished...

My lovely not-yet-hubby spent his day off helping out at the new house, hauling building supplies and starting work on the garden.

He stopped to snap this picture of the plasterers making good and smooth the damage caused by the builders, now that the rotted wooden joist has been successfully removed (having discovered it was held up by half a brick, which was held up with a short stub of soft wood. Yeah....) and the steel beam has been safely - properly - fitted.

The plasterer's assistant was delighted when he discovered that we weren't going to be using the appliances currently in the building and has offered not only a fair price, but to take them away too.

I'll be able to fit my floor once the last bit of plastering is done and dry. My lounge still looks like a total building site, but not nearly as bad as it did, or as bad as the kitchen!

The kitchen is still a gutted room. The pipes have been removed and capped, the electrician, plumber and plasterer are primed to move in and get on.

There's still a seven week waiting list for the kitchen though. Eh, you can't win everything.

Things should move much quicker now though - we haven't changed the original layout since the first design, but all the colours are now changed so that they "synch" better - I was having a hard job finding things that suited the worktop I wanted. So I got rid of the worktop. (Heartbreaking as it is to lose the sparkles.)

We since found a worktop that is a delightful visual combination of very, very dark woodgrain and slate. That sounds spectacularly naff, but trust me, it's actually kinda interesting and has a lovely texture. (Top of pic pile, middle of stack.)

We're teaming it up with some matte, slightly champagne doors with brushed chrome bar handles, which will complement the lighter shade wall tiles in the three tone medley, with the mid-tone being matched by the floor tiles. (Top pile again, bottom.)

The floor tiles... are where I've sneaked in my sparkle. There's a little spattering of metallic flecks in the shale-like texture.

I also got fed up of having to fish out the giant millipedes from behind the coir backing in Terry's tank. I've now silicone-sealed the backing more tightly onto the glass and tucked the rope netting back into the top edge - that should discourage the little sods from getting down there in future.

Smells like vinegar. Mmmm.

Caesium the day

Well, having cracked the African countries, I finally got round to the project I've been eyeing up for some time - I'm now working on memorising the Table of Elements. 

I found a wonderful memory boosting tool through John Pratt's Memory Pegs which combines a variety of techniques to allow for easy absorption of name, symbol AND chemical number. Although I did find a slight problem: they're several years out of date. Oops. 

But that's ok, I can fill in the gaps later and most of the ones that have had a name change are still recoverable. Hahnium is now called Dubnium - which still fits in with the hand used in the Pegs, as you need them for spinning disks when you're working on the right sound for your dubstep track. 

Astatine! Astatine astatine astatine. ASSSTA-TIIIIINE. It won't stick in my head. Pic: Not astatine. Pretty though.

"Elemental astatine has never been viewed, because a mass large enough to be seen (by the naked human eye) would be immediately vaporized by the heat generated by its own radioactivity" - Nev.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Astatine

My house!

For those not in the building knowhow: this picture is a good example of how to do it wrong.

Yes, we've just discovered the upstairs of the house we just bought is being held up by a three inch wide, rotting wood joist. The bricks are four inch wide.

Fortunately, my builder is a good bloke. He's happy to rush in a rolled steel joist (I-beam) in there to support the weight. He was already in to look at the damp problem, so it was no trouble to him to ask his boys to sort that out.

We knew about three patches of damp already, but when I oiked out a cabinet, I found a huge patch of bulging plaster on the short section towards the kitchen door. A quick poke brought the whole sheet tumbling off and revealed it to be crammed full, cotton candy style, with brick salt.

To see how bad it was going to be on the other side, I pulled out one of the kitchen cabinets (on the other side of the wall)... and discovered it goes ALLLLLL the way along the kitchen. Apparently the entire kitchen was built without any damp-proofing. Which my lovely builders have taken in their stride and given us a good price for fixing - they're cracking on with the job.

Luckily we were already intending to rip out the kitchen, so the level of destruction required isn't too much of a problem - and our landlord has given us an extra month to get sorted.

I pulled in a few other tradesmen and have since found that the electrics are on too high an amperage, there aren't enough circuits and some of the plugs that SHOULD be aren't on the protected circuits. Oh, and they're series, not ring circuited. And the pipe from the gas mains is too thin, and some of the water pipes are lead (luckily, internal ones. Those can be replaced pretty easily.) and the waste pipe is 3" not 4" and so will need replacing too. Which will require a whole new sewage trap dug in.

My grandparents have been wonderful in helping out and I can't thank them enough. Here's my grandad dropping chunks of tile in a bucket; trying to clear up after me as I go on a destructive rampage with a bolster chisel and three pound lump hammer. There are NO tiles left in the kitchen at all now. Not a bad afternoon's work.

And this is my living-room currently. Note the top left - that's part of the hole sampled in the first picture. And the bottom right is where half the wall has been removed to fit damp proof membrane.

The boxes under the window are all full of my new stranded bamboo flooring which should actually go nicely with the woodwork already in the room!

Oh, and if you look closely, you can see my new RSJ (rolled steel joist) just left of centre at the bottom of the picture. Woot - that's structural integrity right there... It does give me the frighteners though - this was the nicest house by far of the many we'd looked at. If it's in this state, just imagine what a mess some of those others must have been in!

I'm just hoping the boiler service comes back ok. Ooh, and I mustn't forget to get the chimney stack capped... 

Heh heh heh.

Stupid, stupid PPI company. Just look what they sent me - yes, a first class, postage paid return envelope! I am currently filling it with junk mail until I have to tape it shut....

On the actual form I wrote: "Hey! You! I DON'T WANT YOUR JUNK MAIL! It's bad enough that you're on my telly, my internet, my email, my mobile, my radio, my newspaper, my home phone - you can get out of my house!"

I've written a nice message on every bit of junk I've found, continuing on a Virgin advert and across others with: "So you can have some of MY junk mail. It's very kind of you to provide a solution for all the unrequested mail I get. I hope you appreciate the irony. It was certainly satisfying for me."

I finished up (after a swathe of takeaway menus and three different sects of Christian literatures) with a Red Cross flyer - "Do something good and donate some of the money."

It came in at a mighty 127.7 grams.

Bible Bashing - MY turn.

I'm afraid I lost my temper today. I had one guy trying to teach me about my own religion (yes, I KNOW. I'm a minister. I'm well aware how my religion started and that's why I like it, thanks) and another guy trying to tell me that his religion accepts science so much better than mine. "As for religion verses science I think Christianity wins in integrating the two very well indeed. In fact we see no contradiction at all!"

Hmmm? The Bible doesn't contradict science and every word is true? Well, if these dudes huff hot air into my sails, I'll set off at a clip of knots!

One of my favourites - Luke 23:44-45 "And it was about the sixth hour, and there was a darkness over all the earth until the ninth hour. And the sun was darkened, and the veil of the temple was rent in the midst." - So, it went dark all over the world for three hours, and yet no-one else noticed or thought to write this down? Hmmmmm. And Mark 15:33 mentions it - yet no other writing in the world outside of "The Gospels".

(Mark 13:24 also says " the moon shall not give her light," The moon does not emit its own light.)

Revelations 1:7 - "Behold, he cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see him." That could only happen on a flat planet. You know, because the curvature of the earth means that items more than a few miles away are obscured. That's why you see the mast of the ship before the boat itself. Even the Vikings knew that. Ditto Ezekiel 7:2 and Isiah 40:22... Also, Matthew 4:8, same kinda problem. Even Everest isn't high enough. Oh, and Daniel 2:35 and Psalms 33:14-15.

They also mention on several occasions that the earth doesn't move, for example Micah: "ye strong foundations of the earth" Isiah says something similar and Judges does and Job 38:4-6 does and Chronicles 16:30 does. Actually, in Psalms 19:4-6 "The sun ... His going forth is from the end of the heaven, and his circuit unto the ends of it." they say the sun goes... round the earth? Heck, they knew THAT wasn't right over 500 years BC. Job 9:7 says pretty much the same thing too.

James 5:14-15: "If you are sick, rely on the power of prayer. It works every time". Hmmm. Linkie time: HERE and Psalms 103:3 - "The Lord ... who healeth all thy diseases." Yeah. See previous linkie.

Luke 4-2: "Being forty days ... And in those days he did eat nothing." Let us hit up some science HERE.

John 12:22 "Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit." - again, much humming to be had. That's not quite how seeds work.

They have some interesting animal logic fails too:

Paul 28:3-6 "And when Paul had gathered a bundle of sticks, and laid them on the fire, there came a viper out of the heat, and fastened on his hand. And when the barbarians saw the venomous beast hang on his hand, they said among themselves, No doubt this man is a murderer, whom, though he hath escaped the sea, yet vengeance suffereth not to live. And he shook off the beast into the fire, and felt no harm. Howbeit they looked when he should have swollen, or fallen down dead suddenly: but after they had looked a great while, and saw no harm come to him." - Well, hang on a minute there. There are no poisonous snakes in Malta. I know, I've been there and have family there.

"the daughter of my people is become cruel, like the ostriches in the wilderness" - Lamentations 4:3. Ostriches are very attentive parents and good adoptive parents (even if they can't tell the difference!) HERE - and Psalms 39:13-16. What IS it about Christians and ostriches?!

Psalm 58:8 "As a snail which melteth, let every one of them pass away" - I've only seen snails melt and die when you chuck salt on them. I don't, I like snails.

Leviticus 11:20: Four-legged fowls are abominations. When was the last time you saw a bird with more than two legs? I'd say it was an abomination - it would be a mutant. I did see a kitten with eight legs once: HERE. Mind you, they're not always certain what a bird is. Apparently a bat might be a bird: "And the stork, the heron after her kind, and the lapwing, and the bat." (Leviticus 11:19)

Genesis 3:14 "And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life" - I've kept snakes. Snakes don't eat dust. Otherwise, I'd have a very clean house. Unless they were confusing it with the nozzle of a +Henry Hoover-Robinson ? (Soz Martyn, had to.)

I won't pick on Genesis too much. +Rich Peall has already mentioned how ... unstable most of that book is in comparison to science. I just couldn't resist that one though.

"Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee?" Wut, Psalms 39:9-10 - unicorns?! Oh, silly me, apparently they ARE real because God has "the strength of a unicorn." (Numbers 23:22 and 24:8)

Timothy 6:20 even says: "Science falsely so called"

"Then I beheld all the work of God, that a man cannot find out the work that is done under the sun: because though a man labour to seek it out, yet he shall not find it; yea farther; though a wise man think to know it, yet shall he not be able to find it." - Ecclesiastes 8:7 and something similar in 3:11 and not to mention 7:24 "That which is far off, and exceeding deep, who can find it out?" - Yeah. We're doing a pretty good job of discovering lots of scientific stuff without "God's" help thanks ;) Impossible, I think not.

Also, Mum - if you're trying to think of something to get me for Christmas - I'd like a copy of this in a nice frame. ;)

What a week...

So, most of you already know about the Penalty Crime Notice I received. Apparently, this is me, in London, performing an illegal turn. 

I can say yes, that's my bike, but no, that's not me. I was at my doctor's (several hundred miles away from London) and I haven't seen my bike since the 6th of December when it was stolen, recovered and removed by the police. And then the insurers paid out on the 9th of May.

Interestingly, the breakers screwed up. They have repaired and sold on my bike without notifying my insurers or the DVLA - but we're getting that sorted. This involves digging up lots of reasons why it's not me, and it's a bit tiresome for a starters.

Next up was a letter from the Benefits Agency going "Hey, you stopped getting Jobseekers on the 22nd February." Well... yes. I went back to work and notified you all. It turns out whomever originally processed our joint application  alsoscrewed up. Despite the fact that we can't rent out, live in, sell or do anything with the property down South until the probate is sorted, it still counts as an asset.

So the money they'd been giving us to help with the council tax and the fact that we were both unemployed with no income for three months now needs repaying. All I can say is Thank His Noodly Lordship that I have a savings account - having to give back over a grand and a half would wipe most people out in this town. I'm going to do it in instalments though - I may as well keep some of the interest on my savings accounts even as they take it off me.

And just to top it off, my mortgage providers really, REALLY screwed up. I was going to buy one house (as you can see previously on my blog) and then changed my mind to buy the one I liked better in the first place. The mortgage people were like, yeah, yeah, that's absolutely fine, done and we've sent out valuators and it's all fine.

So, happy, I went off to sign my contract. All polished up, all questions answered when my solicitor goes "You know, I'm sure I've seen your mortgage paperwork, but I just can't think where I've put it. Could you give them a call later and just ask them to fax me a spare?"

Sure, says I. I went back to work, rang the mortgage company and they went "What mortgage?"

I hit the roof. I have 24 hours to sort a mortgage out or lose both the house and six grand deposit. Luckily I know some very good people - my boss and one of my colleagues teamed up to help me out, find over-ride codes and access information. I can't thank them enough for rescuing me, but ain't that just the cheese on the biscuit.

Nessie's REAL!

Oh dear. The creationists are at it again.


Some schools in Louisiana are "disproving" evolutionism by using the Loch Ness Monster as their example. Seriously, here (FIXED!) is an article. They're also bringing it here to the UK and making it into educationary qualifications equivalent to A levels - read about it here. 


These schools are teaching children that Nessie is real, for the purpose of disproving the evil Darwinists. Personally, I don't feel that science classes are the place for religion. This worries me greatly as I strongly believe that there is too much evidence for evolution where ever you look, whether it be historical or modern. After all, most religions don't cope very well when people try to apply science to them.

This is how Pastafarianism started - because if you're going to teach Christian creation in science classes at school, you should give equal room to other religion's creation stories. They're just as valid.

And anyway, evolution is just the explanation for the diversity of species - NOT the beginning of life - however they're even figuring that out, step-by-step. http://exploringorigins.org has some fascinating insights as to how protocells started and the Howard Hughes Medical Institute has even "designed" something akin to these early protocells.

It's a fascinating study, you can read some more here. I'm also still working on my "fascinating" studies of the Book of Mormon here.

Cherry Terry

That was THE cutest experience I've ever had.

His Lordship found the box of cherries I had brought home, and sliced one into small wedges to give to Terry, our crested gecko.I've often given him Repashy mix and waxworms, there's always woodlice living in his tank and I regularly leave fruits in there - but I have never seen him eat it.

His Lordship waved some slices under Terry's nose, to which Terry responded by doing his "I'm a stick!" impression. In fairness to him, the little dude really commits. He freezes completely still - even if you prod him. 

I picked a slice out of Rich's palm and slapped him over the nose with it. And waited. And as expected, clean-freak gecko couldn't resist whipping out his little rose-petal tongue to clean off the juice.

His pupils dilated. I held the slice in front of him.

Lick. Licklick.
Licklicklicklicklick.
LicklicknibbleBITE. OM! Omnomnomnom! More please! MOAR!

He wolfed down three big slices, "killing" each one with a terrier's shake like he does with the waxworms. Admittedly, these are AMAZING cherries, tart and juicy and sweet...

Not exactly lizbians

I had to cheer Mocha up today, poor little princess.

Mocha Choca's a bit weirded out - her old flatmate, the older "female", Sandy, had laid infertile eggs in November. Definitely eggs, she laid them in the brand new egg box, they were identical to eggs laid by my other females and she also laid one right in front of us, right in the middle of her tank.

 With spring fever hitting, everyone has been a bit overexcited - normally I let the girls run round together, but even they've been bickering with each other. Jam's been a little madam, jumping everyone, and even quiet little Mocha has been bobbing at the others. Sandy has hit Jam back previously when Jammy's been a little toad and tried to dominate her - but today really caught me out.

Mocha and Sandy were having their afternoon potter, when Sandy suddenly jumped and pinned her. As I went over to break up the fight, Sandy whapped out fuchsia purple hemipenes and mated her!
I wish I'd have taken a picture to prove it, but then I guess I haven't got one of her/him taking eggs either.
When I have the time/finances, I'll have to take Sandy to the vets for an MRI to find out what's going on there!

It's SCIENCE!

Walking home, I got stopped by two girls.
"Is that Fifty Shades of Grey, that porno book?" they sneered.
No... it's Stephen Hawking.
"Oh wow!"
There is hope for our future yet!

I have to say though, reading A Brief History' has really made me think. Unsurprisingly, the man is a genius - but he explains things so easily and with a great sense of humour. It's helped me understand some of the more complex issues regarding physics that I was struggling with, particularly how it is that black holes can appear to emit radiation and particles - despite being massively attractive gravitational singularities.

It also allowed me to come to some interesting conclusions myself. For example, utilising the simple fact that heat makes objects expand, it enabled me to come to this conclusion: I'm not overweight, I'm HOT.

Sod the Dark Side and their cookies.
Welcome to the Nerd Side.
We have Pi.

Not that kind of plate.

Well, that was the first of many sessions to come with the Mormons, apparently. I think we upset the curriculum by asking lots of awkward questions, particularly when His Lordship kept drawing attention to some fishy discrepancies in time spans.

And they're mostly creationist. Luckily not like THESE ones in Louisiana though.

They kindly left us a copy of the Book of Mormon and asked us to read it and come to our own conclusions. And I have been reading it. And I have been wincing regularly. And I have a horrid feeling I'm going to have to write a translation - and they are not going to like it at all.

I may yet go on to dealing with other religions but, for me at least, Mormonism is a bit of an unstable one and open to scientific picking at. It has a modern (ish) beginning and some very wobbly foundations. Not to mention that the LDS have to give 10% of their earnings to the church - and then some.

Gosh. The first bit was a bit easier than I thought it would be... So here it comes in installments; The Pastafarian Remake: Amber's Book of Mormon

"Farfallelujah!"

What a spectacularly FSM-y week!

First, His Lordship found this AWESOME antique piratey chest in an auction house. It's sheet metal reinforced wood, with strip wood banding and chunky decorative metalworks.

Then on my way out from work, I discovered an Italian market had suddenly arrived literally right outside their door! I have loaded up on baklavas, pistachio cigarillas, rainbow spumoni, tricolore rigatoni and traditional nougatty treats...

And then we had Mormons turn up at the door!I think they might have chosen the wrong people to try to convert to their brand of Christianity... but they want to come back for more. Pastafarians don't go door to door, I'm happy to reverse the tables - if people come to MY door, I'm very happy to teach them the good word of our people and they have left our step significantly more enlightened in the ways of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, intending on coming back to see us on Monday.

It made me smile - they asked if there was a Pastafarian congregation locally. I was happy to explain that the FSM doesn't encourage physical places of worship as it detracts funding from where it's best used, such as improving healthcare and lowering the price of cable.

I'm pretty sure we're ready for these Latter Day Sainters - we have an imported, specially blessed by a Pastafarian priest tin of dried spaghetti, several bottles of rum (the type served depending on importance of event), my steel reinforced box of loot (gems, minerals and other genuine treasures), his bottle of sands from many shores (that he collected himself - it is a good luck charm for pirates) and our colander cutlass, amongst other little artifacts (each with their own history). And the book, of course.

We have our motley garb ready also, and will be serving a mighty pasta bake. With profiteroles for after. Profit is kind of loot, after all...


I am prepared - even if they're Creationists. I have THIS to my hand.

Hi Phen!

Disturbing a Hyphen after midnight is a bit like feeding a Gremlin after midnight. They turn into something horrifying, disturbing, and downright creepy.

He's been a real weirdo of late. Rather than eating his locusts, he's now decided they're to live with him - and doesn't even complain when one decides to sit on his head until it accidentally pokes him in the eye.

That's weird enough, but not as weird as he gets. Hyphen's having a seriously bad case of the herpy-derps. The boy has issues. With my doormat. 


He's had affection-related problems with inanimate objects before - but this is new on me. 


Hyphen has a major malfunction when it comes to carpetting. Mocha was sat on it when the little guy came over for a look - then CHARGED right at her. She launched an all out offensive-defence on him - and was utterly thrown when he neatly jumped over her and attacked the doormat!


Mmmm sexy carpet - feel how neat her pile is. Maaaassage the sexeee caaaarpet... I whisper the sweetest of words to you, my sugar blanket. Oh, devine floor covering of my heart...

I tweaked his tail as if Mocha had gone for him - she was much too confused to think of doing it herself - and he responded with a prickly thigh brace and tail whip. Though it didn't distract his attention from his new objet d'amour, even when she DID catch up with the situation. 


He just ducked round her to keep attacking the mat she was standing on! 


Hyphen's suffering bad; the carpet love has gone on to the dragon-slope, though in fairness, it's coated with the same stuff. I guess I have to accept that he's a beautiful little lizard - a very odd beautiful little lizard.

In a slightly unrelated story, my friend Gianmario found a wonderful little article: The Diary of a Space Zucchini! I am sure many of you will enjoy reading it - it's very cute!

Quote of the Day: I'm glad I can stay home and do nothing. It gives all these people with extreme sports the opportunity to be awesome, rather than the norm. - Himself.

Homemade Pop Farts

Hmm. It doesn't happen often, but it seems I suffered a cookery fail.

I wasn't aware there are different forms of marshmallows - and apparently I picked confectioners marshmallows rather than cooking 'mallows. It turns out that it is a very important difference.

Confectioners marshmallows sort of... dissolve. And they turn into an interesting pink glaze. I can't say they were great; more sort of sickly, sticky and hollow. Mind you, it didn't stop Marty from eating them. My friend will eat ANYTHING. And he didn't even noticed the goop.

In other news, I do have something to counteract it: I can now successfully name ALL the countries of Africa. You can try if yourself HERE.

Word of the day: asosmwe
Pron: ass - oss um-weh.
Definition: something so amazingly cool that you can't even put the right letters in, never mind put them in the right order.
Usage: "omg thats asosmwe!!!!!!!!!!1"
Origin: Jacksfilms.