Ralph and the Malfunctioning Jazz Dog

Can anyone answer this: Why do your eyes water when you pray to the porcelain goddess?

Been doing it since 3am and finally stopped barfing at 12pm. Managed to hold down some chicken soup (just) and slept for the next three hours. Woke to icecream and a skull two sizes too small. Haven't worked out what set it off; honestly, it could be anything - probably stress, but could also be that maybe McCoys changed their Sizzling King Prawn crisp recipe to contain actual shellfish extract. Who knows! I managed to eat spaghetti for tea and kept it down.

It's been an entertaining week, with Kyle so ill and having had a genuine, full on and uncontrollable panic attack on the 23rd. Very embarrassing. Wouldn't recommend it. Mind, I suppose they wouldn't call it a "panic attack" if it was nice. Perhaps "warm fluffy bundle of cute little kittens and a plate of chocolate brownies" wasn't a great name for it. Sounds like a good cure though.

Talking of good cures, laughter is supposed to be the best one - and my kind friends around the internet rallied to find His Lordship and I some good things, including our favourite video clip this week: The Dog Malfunction:

I also recommend reading Ben Driscoll's "Daisy Owl" cartoons, found HERE. There's something sweet and surreal about them. Keep an eye out for Benjamin and Steve's jacuzzi - it nearly killed me laughing! (Though not quite as funny as Michael Macintyre's Dead Arm sketch.)

Related Quote of the Day: "A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and £22,398,750.78 in cash.".

The granddaughter, about to become filthy rich says, "Oh granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With her last breath, granny whispered, "Facebook..." - Best joke sent in by internet friend Matt.