Peace off!

I hope the vendors hurry up - my mortgage is confirmed and the surveyors are due in any day now - and as far as I'm concerned, the sooner we can move into our new house, the better.

My first proper day off in weeks and I'm woken by the most hideous dancersize music! Yes, I'm fed up of being woken at 6.30 most mornings by their damn door alarm going bee-boop thirty dozen times, or being startled awake again at 7.00 on a Sunday by them all yelling at each other.

I get it already, you hate each other. Your daughter is a disobedient stop out, your son is a scruffy, ungrateful brat, your husband is a selfish, lazy git and your wife is a strident, miserable creature - but for the love of noodles, go TALK to each other in the SAME room instead of bellowing across from opposite sides of your house!

You're such nice people . Just, you know, talk.

Mind you, I guess we all have bad days. His Lordship had a corking moment the other evening - we're watching a show about eye parasites on TV when He suddenly exclaims "Ah! I'm a dumb f**k!" I turn round and look at him.

He's trying to read the eye test on the screen with one eye and hasn't really thought about what he was doing... He was sat there with one eye shut, and a hand covering the other. "Hah! The ocular test for retardedness."