Tuesday 29 December 2009

A Little Lighthearted!

I was reminded earlier about something Nan did over the holiday - oh, she did so make me laugh. My cousin Elbow was round, teaching the olds to play poker with Himself and myself. I stole a good win and she called me a "douche". Nan took somewhat of a shine to the word, even when we'd try to explain the matter and advise her against keeping it. "Douchebag. It's a great word. Learning new words improves the vocabulary!" .... I'm not sure learning profanitiesimproves the vocabulary per-se. She says next time someone annoys her at the dances, she'll call them a douchbag. "Please Nan, please don't..."

Here's another little star that lit up my evening and made me smile. I recon "UPular" from Pogo could go places. You saw it here first.

Monday 28 December 2009

Marvellous Movies and Perfect Pizza

It was glorious Boxing Day morning, and I am content in the knowledge that I do not have work for another two days. The ice has gone and the skies are clear. The damp is persistent and the mould is black - hehehe.

We took a stroll into town in the afternoon and marvelled at the emptied miracle that is Tesco's. I can't believe that people go that mental as if the store is going to be closed for a week. It was open the next piggin' day! Ah well. We still picked up some yummy new fake Maltesers and fizzy grape juice for the cinema. Avatar was a very pretty film and Sherlock Holmes was almost accurate, whilst being very good fun. Plus they didn't have the overblown pipe!

We also stopped for one of my favourite rare snacks, churros. A churro is a simple batter in a cylindrical-ish shape, fried into swirly lengths. They're then sprinkled with sugar and served up with cinnamon, ginger, chocolate or lemon sauce by a nice chap called Danny. This lead me on to a partially food-based blog today.

My personal favourite dish that His Lordship does is VERY simple, but easy to spoil. Some plain green pesto, a little splash of balsamic, crunchy asparagus, garlic mushrooms and pasta (usually fusilli for ease). Keep it simple and beautiful.

I personally do a wicked ostrich steak. Whack it in a pan to sear, cook and pop under a grill to keep warm and finish. Serve with sweet bush bok potato and vegetables and top with a red wine, herb and onion gravy. Threw Hank if you remember, but ruddy tasty.

Talking of which, I do wish we'd have had a bit more warning from the housemates moving out though. One thing is clear - I can't afford to run this house myself and it's far too big for what He and I need. I genuinely believe it's not going to be practical to try to get two more people in to replace them; hell, even if we could, we're not going to manage it in time. Thank God for dark chocolate gingerbread - a calming influence in harsh times.

His Lordship is currently on the phone to Himself Senior, whom owns the current property, discussing matters which are insanely complex in themselves. Having had a good think, I'm guessing our best option is to look at a smaller house - but this is where it becomes crazy-confused - purchasing the thing. Due to His Lordship's unique situation through no fault of his own, I can't take a mortgage out with him, which makes purchasing incredibly hard and obviously I can't afford it on my wages.

We've come up with a solution however! We're going to shift into a cheaper, temporary flat whilst we help empty and fix this place up. Because it's a good big house at a fairly low price, it should sell well. Then we've got the funds to buy a nicer, newer, smaller place! There's a property on St Andrews I quite like, but I doubt it'll still be there once we've finished here. Ah well. Perhaps here will be a nice place to live? Hehehe...

All that typing's made me hungry now - I think ham, pepper, onion and mushroom pizza for dinner, topped with Mexicana Chilli Cheese. Mmmmm... Lots of onions. Cut the onion in half and take neat semicircles, keeping the individual layers together.

Saturday 26 December 2009

Spyyk Surprise

Christmas Bonus! Spyyk's Blog has now got a Stumbleupon! Spyyk is slowly being recognised in the world. I'm guessing this might be to do with a report a young friend of mine has been working on, regarding the axolotl and how they are endangered.

This is my favourite excerpt from her speech: "I feel strongly that the Axolotl is lacking the support that it deserves. Tigers, rhinos, pandas all of those animals have loads and loads of support and advertising and I think to myself well Axolotl are much cooler creatures than tigers, rhinos and pandas. Tigers may be fierce but they wouldn’t make very good pets. They would try to eat you half the time. And pandas may be cuddly but they’re not helping science and the well being of humans like the axolotl. Rhinos don’t have the ability to breathe through their skin and they don’t have gills. Although, they do have ability of destroying things though, if that’s what you want."

I also sent an email in to the QI Elves regarding 'lotls!

"My email is referring to one of your older episodes, specifically regarding Axolotls; it's just a quick couple of things, little errors in the information given on this animal - nothing to worry about mind!

Firstly, being that whilst axolotl do indeed have shockingly good regenerative powers, they do still scar however it's not always easy to see. After six months, it's also quite unusual for an axolotl to regenerate a whole limb. I was very lucky with one of my axolotls, Spyyk - he lost an arm in an accidental fight with his old tankmate (he stood on the food that Benny wanted to eat) and has grown it back. It's a lot smaller and has heavy scarring on the upper half but it's fully functional, if slightly wonky! It IS common to find young axolotl with multiple limbs though - one damaged but not fallen off will reheal - and a new one will also grow alongside it.

Secondly, whilst they do belong to the Tiger Salamander complex, they're actually Mole Salamanders, but not worth quibbling as they're in the same family.
Thirdly, not all axolotl can fully morph into adults, even with iodine injections. It is cruel and very painful to force them - not only that, but an "adult" salamander's lifespan is literally halved by the process. Many people try to force them to morph by subjecting them to poor living conditions, which sadly kills the majority of them.

I just thought you might be interested as these animals are fascinating! I've often helped out on Caudata.org, and I run two rather scruffy axolotl homepages: www.spyyk.blogspot.com and www.spyyk2.blogspot.com.

I also wondered, what would be the best way of acquiring Stephen Fry's autograph? My family and I hold both him and your wonderful show in high esteem - we try not to miss a single episode and catch up on Dave! (The QI books made brilliant Christmas presents too - thank you. My partner has gone off on a rave review in the background about the first book - "That's the best bit, it's FUN information.")

Yours sincerely. "

I'll let you know if the Elves of QI get back to me!

Friday 25 December 2009

Perfect Presents!

Yay! What a fabulous day!

My present from Tsammy was my first real snuggle from him! Aww comfy lizard hugs. Kyle was good natured first thing in a morning, which is a treat from her, and I got a load of funky presents. Some of my presents are: two raffia chameleons from Mr & Mrs Lordship a pair of awesome Christmas socks (and an autobiog starter kit) from my colleague, a Marian Keyes book from His Lordship, and an Edward Monkton bag from Mum. I wore my lovely new coat from Nan & Grandad and will set my tumbledrier going when I get home. Hank gave me a set of natural bioactive lotions and potions and George gave me a bottle of yummy Baileys Caramel. Nice one to everybody, thank you very much.

Mulled wine going down a treat. His Lordship is basting the bird and sorting the dinner. I've barely done a thing - it's GREAT! I've been extremely helpful though, by advising and supervising Himself and Himself Senior as they've been making a mess in the kitchen. Himself Senior is a grand vegetable peeler, and they made a good team putting everything in as many pans as they could possibly find! So far it's looking pretty good - there's only one item gone wrong, as the lemon meringue suffered a bit of a disaster. But it will be just as tasty!

Have been back in the kitchen to check on things. I showed them how to use a fork to pull away a chicken thigh from the body and look at the meat. The juices look clear but I've told them to give it a few more minutes to be on the safe side and let the skin crisp up properly, as they've been very good about basting it.

My presents around the country seem to be going down a treat - His Lordship Senior was reduced to tears laughing at my Sudoku Loo Roll. "Just the thing for down the shed!" Grandad was very pleased by his present - he'd asked for "a bit more ginger". So I bought him a signed nude photo of Geri Halliwell - Ginger Spice. He says: "I had a lick of it, very tasty!" My stepfather I'm informed is wearing his Hong Kong Phooey T-shirt, Mum thinks the painting His Lordship did for her is gorgeous, and everyone at Mum's is delighted to see the icecream maker.

His Lordship got PILES of gifts, including several computer bits, George's Mint Baileys and multiple pairs of socks. He also got a keg from Hank - with a little luck it won't be as bad as Sherman's Heineken. He turned up with it a couple of weeks ago, apologising because he might have shaken it up a little on the run from his house. Needless to say, the pints pulled from it were consistently in the condition shown, from the first to the last.

Ahhhhh, I am stuffed. Daft pair only forgot to put the potatoes in for roasting, but the rest was more than enough! The chicken was so tender and well cooked that the white, soft meat literally fell off the bone. Noone else likes chicken skin, so much to my delight I was able to snaff the crispy coating and nom it. Doesn't normally happen back home as I have a fight with the rest of the family over it.

Apparently the Pope just got knocked over - by the same woman that tried to do it last year. It seems obvious why he needs security - but on the other hand, the motto "In God we trust" has become a little defunct, surely? Perhaps it should be "We thank God for the trust in our security men"?
HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

Thursday 24 December 2009

Rough Roads

Hurray! My new tumble drier arrived! It's a lovely silver shiny one. My new coat also arrived and fits like an absolute dream. I must remember not to let His Lordship combine these two nice new items... I also bought the dragons' Christmas present. It will be a little late due to the post, but I picked up a battery operated nail buffer for them, to make trimming those sharp claws just a little bit easier. We did try Mum's "Pedipaws" but it's too unstable and noisy for dragon use. I fixed Mum's so it doesn't waver so much, but the guard is too big for little claws. Talking of presents, one of my Uncles is getting a great gift from Mum. Here's my brother holding it up for us! A fantastic example of world-class giftwrapping. I aspire to be that good one day. Mind you, last year's bench was spectacular; every single beam was individually wrapped. It took five rolls of tape...

The ice is still here, even after the hail followed by rain. The rain has polished the ice beautifully and made it deathly slick - it's going to be interesting getting to and from work tomorrow. Luckily it's the last day before a long weekend and it's set to be a little warmer overnight, so it might not be so bad.

The manageress suggested I should travel the large duel carriageway to work. Having done that in the past, with my little 50mph bike, I'm not keen. After all, I can go as slow as I like and there is very little traffic on my roads, as opposed to screaming heavy traffic. Somehow I don't fancy skidding off at 50 and ending up under a car. I am deeply reluctant and will continue to traverse my current route - especially being as there was a nasty four car pile up on the main road.

Here's a newsflash from the local global warming protest!

Sorry for the delay, I'm back to finish my post! I just got disappointed twice by eBayers today, for the first (and second) time in my life. I've been sent three packs of completely the wrong cards; I ordered version 4.0 and they've sent me all "Family" version. I also ordered a nail buffer from another store, the dragons' present. "Brand new and sealed" and it's come in packaging all warped and bent with weird brown stains and smells funny! Ew!

Quote of the Day: "Bikes and ice are like fish and gravy." from another one of my Uncles. Um ... What?

Wednesday 23 December 2009

Santa's Story.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. As he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. (Hats for sale at discjockeysunlimited.com)

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he got to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his annoyance, he accidentally dropped the empty cider jug, breaking it into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door. He yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Tuesday 22 December 2009

Flippin' Frosty

I've just been outside and found that the flashing has suddenly come away from the back wall with the frost, so big chunks of the outer wall are falling off... (Image: Pixdaus - Farhad)

STOP PRESS! Shock news - injecting toxins into your face to freeze the muscles isn't safe! Read more HERE. WARNING: Not that interesting. There's a surprise.

Talking of frosty weather, I bummed the bike out for the first time in nearly a year. Turns out Foldhill is pretty much a glacier rather than a road. Thankfully I was already going very slow, so I haven't even got a bruise, but I did put a ding in my right side floortrim. Whilst that's annoying, there's not a scratch on anything else, and the floortrim only costs a couple of pounds to replace.

Ah. I have just discovered next year is going to be very interesting indeed. Both the housemates are looking at moving out into their own places at the end of January, as George is looking to complete at the end of this month and Hank is looking at trekking Florida with his girlfriend before settling down.

Ah well, His Lordship and I were considering the possibility of a smaller house when the others move out anyway, so that works out fairly well. This house is far too big and problematic for just two people. Having had a think about it, we've worked out that all the dodgy glazing needs replacing, the house really needs rewiring at some point, the plumbing isn't exactly... ideal at the best of times, the telephone system is seriously screwy, the heating is a permanent confusion and then there's the ubiquitous and consistent damp problem - which is getting worse.

Any suggestions as to what to do about the damned mould would be gratefully accepted. We've tried bleach, specialised mould killers, special paints - I've run out of weapons against the black blotches...

Monday 21 December 2009

T'riffic Tumblers

Having got home and discovered that the second tumble drier has given up the ghost, Himself and I went a-searching on the Internets for a new one. Deals4u offered us this lovely model which made me laugh. Look closely.

The photo is upside down.

I was even more amused to notice it has "compact one way action". I assume it's this way up because they've used the "wall mounting kit supplied".

Needless to say, we didn't buy from here. Instead we went to www.appliancedeals.co.uk and found a nice silver Beko C rated 7kg condenser dryer. I know, it's not a fridge-freezer, but I'm fairly sure I can persuade the house account to cough up for a nice one being as a) the current one hasn't completely clapped out yet, and b) I'm paying for this particular house-use item that HAS clapped out.

That should be here tomorrow, and should work a bit better than my Nan's nice old machine. Shame it's out of warranty, but being as it's the same age as ME... Plus the condensing unit means it hopefully won't contribute to the already substantial damp problems we have.

Sunday 20 December 2009

Lost Loach

I'm sad to say we lost Weasel today. She was a damn good fish too. However, I can't be too upset as she's been with me at least seven years and I have no idea how old she was when she got here. Weasel was one of my Dojo Loaches - a hardy coldwater fish whom liked nothing more than to skulk in the sand and nab food off her partner Erwin, and travelled hundreds of miles to get to me in the post!

Her original owner was shutting down one of his tanks and had decided he would turf this last remaining fish into a perch pond. I'd found him when I was looking at tanks on eBay, and offered to buy the loach as it would otherwise have been eaten by the fish in the pond.

He said I could have the fish for free, on the condition that it kept it's original name. Sh*tweasel. Well, when I discovered the she was infact a pretty pink girl loach, I kept to my agreement, but shortened it somewhat to just "Weasel". I hope he didn't mind.

My tank won't be the same without her, but the other loaches will continue to dance their Chinese Dragon patterns in the water for many years to come. Happy swimming Weasel old girl.

Saturday 19 December 2009

Seriously Stinky Sprout

The snow, although glorious in it's crisp whiteness,turned out to be a little problematic. The car got stuck in the middle of the road, desperately trying to wheel uphill as we slowly slithered downhill instead. A neat turn on the way backwards and we were heading downhill but at least we could work with that... It also shuffled the train times a little. Fortunately, I had anticipated this late last night, and checked this morning. Good job too - we would have been 20 minutes late otherwise.

Mum made us sniff The Malevolent Sprout last night. For those readers whom are unfamiliar with The Sprout, it was originally brought into the house as a joke prize for a Christmas game with my siblings. Whomever lost had to eat the thing. It turns out The Sprout survived by discretely secreting itself somewhere in the house, and thus remained hidden for the best part of a year - until the new Dog found it.

This delightful artifact of Christmasses past is now lovingly secured in a small glass jar, beautifully preserved by its own fetidness. Needless to say, Dog loves it when the jar is opened for him to sniff.

We, on the otherhand, do not. I would say the scent is indescribable, but I'll have a damn good go. This shrivelled monstrosity is bizarrely sour and highly offensive to the olefactory senses, His Lordship described it as similar to "Bisto made with slurry." On consideration of the matter, I imagine that's likely to be accurate. We have decided this being of deeply offensive Christmas Evil must surely pulse with a vile green glow in the night, like some witches lantern of folk tales.

Turns out Himself and I have also broken the law. There's an obscure English law saying it's illegal to consume chocolate on a public conveyance. Well, if the chocolate is THIS good, it's worth it. This chocolate is the leftovers from the Place Names quiz that our team won. There were some great clues in there too: "Half of the Big Apple? York. "Opening of a pit? Minehead. Ancient pork? Oldham. Cook put to pasture? Sheffield."

We have seen two swans and one moorhen scooting across a frozen canal - until a heap of barges came ploughing through. I always wondered what a barge did in frozen weather. His Lordship was considering Barge life and has decided to fuel it, He'd go for Fission. Now, this is not to be confused with nuclear - this method is acheived by running a line into the water and patiently waiting to pull in some energy. I wonder if it will CATCH on?

Comment of the day: "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with SNUH. SNOW!" - little girl in a pink hat on the Sheffield Train. (Pic - red hat. It's a Christmas card from Mum.)

Friday 18 December 2009

Beetle Drive and Bump...

I won a prize! A real one! We went to a fish and chip supper and played one of my all time favourite games: Beetle Drive. Beetle Drive is a simple game, involving a bit of paper, a team of at least four and dice. The aim of it is to build your beetle by using the numbers from each roll of the dice. A 2 gives you the body, 6 gives you a leg, and so on - you can't put legs on without a body. If you have made a whole beetle, you shout "BEETLE" and the game stops. If you didn't shout, then each part successfully "collected" earns you a point when "BEETLE" is called.

We were playing against nearly 70 people, but we were clearly the fastest dicerolling team in the place - I won the first two rounds, but was trounced thereon.

However, all was not lost, as it's the grand total that won the game - and noone could beat my impressive score of 67! Mine were also the prettiest beetles, and I won a lovely box of champagne truffles to share - they're currently under the Christmas tree awaiting Christmas Day to be shared between whomever happens to be around. They'll taste all the more wonderful for being won.

It's been brilliant weather out here. I looked out the window and thought it was raining - until I looked down and saw the rain was bouncing! The hail's really rather something, laying thick on the ground. Hmm, no. It's "snail"; a combination of snow and hail. The stone I caught was as big as a frozen pea - so I ate it.

The dragons wisely stayed in their basket.

Whilst the weather slammed down skyrocks, we had a lovely afternoon at Nan &G's; being plied with extra pots of jams and bottles of wine, fussing over cats and laughing at the grand collection of 26 McDonalds straws brought in by one of the cats, until we were just about to leave - whereupon Nan shot upstairs to find a picture of a Pug and managed to smack herself one on the wall on the way back - prompting us to have an enjoyable family trip to A&E. She'll be alright, thankfully it's just a bit of a ding and it should heal up nicely with the glue and sticky tape they put on her. At least I can honestly say it's always eventful seeing family...

Turns out Mum's garden is home to a pair of gay pigeons too. I've seen gay swans, but gay pigeons is a new one on me. Apparently the daft little buggers have been taking turns too. Having looked into the issue on some top pigeon forums, this is quite common - you often get them going so far as to build nests and sit on pretend eggs. I thought they might like one of these lamps to advertise their choice. You can get your own HERE.

Thursday 17 December 2009

Dragon VS Dog

Having not viewed Kyle's email account for a little while, I was greatly amused to discover a grand total of 959 pieces of junk mail!

The dog was scared silly by the dragons, after spoiking his nose on Tsammy's heavy duty head prongs. This prompted a permanent exclusion zone of two feet - unless one of the lizards moved, and then the zone leapt to four. Dog tried to "protect" Mum from the scary things, but Mum soon became the protector when Tsam pondered over to take a look.

The worst bit is that Tsammy is actually BIGGER than Dog.

My sister made me laugh this week - she's definitely one of us. Mum put up a "Twilight" poster above her bed from the middle of the newspaper to wind her up. Bogle tore it down and then got a rather good idea... The cheeky madam set up an auction ring at school and charged her best friend £3 for a free poster. "She wanted to pay just £1, but I wasn't letting her get away with that!"

Word of the Day: "Izerdunyeh?" loosely translated as an enquiry as to the completion of an item or process.

Wednesday 16 December 2009

Horrible Hiccups

Today should be interesting, certainly more successful than last year at least! I didn't leave it down to my Ex to contact peoples back home, as I am now (or rather, Kyle is) on FaceBook! It'll be nice to see everyone again, as well as Elbow, whom is coming for lunch or dinner or somesuch here also. As ever, I'm not entirely sure what it happening. But it's more fun like that.

****Some Time Later****

Last night was superb! Everyone turned up, even Doodles. The highlight of the evening was His Lordship's ferocious hiccups, followed by strangely stuffing-scented wind. we almost coloured Foz's tattoo in with a Sharpie Marker, insults were traded all round the table and everybody has got hairier since last year. I wonder if he's noticed it's permanent ink yet....?

Some of you may know about Etsy, a bizarre American site, a lot like eBay but without the bidding, targeted at people selling homemade things. Regretsy.com is all the things that only deeply drunk people would find good to purchase. Shown here is a classic example: "I can haz blunt force trauma." Needless to say, there's also an entire section dedicated entirely to penises. Definitely NSFW for a large part and not suitable for minors.

Alas, it is still raining, but we really ought to go out and visit the Sockish side of the family and mooch round the village for a while.

Weirdest quote of the day: "Why is there a dead pakistani on my couch - after typing "why is" into google search..."

Monday 14 December 2009

Angelic Animals and Clean Coats...

Tsammy got in the Christmas spirit with us this week. A packet of glittery pipecleaners transformed my little demon into a little angel - and the daft dragon loved it! He hoicked down the halo and licked it a few times, decided he liked it and hurtled off to show Kyle.

He stopped at her tank, stomped his foot and bobbitied, "Look at me! I'm GORGEOUS!" Unfortunately, the bobbiting made his halo counterbobbity and smacked him in the head.

They've been impressively good when we've been going round town. Tsam's only paux fas was in Quirly's, where he took a shine to a box of sparkly things and decided it was his hoard. Kyle sat there being beautiful.


Talking of things beautiful, I have found the coat I want at last. His Lordship accidently shrunk my Italian wool coat by putting it in the tumble drier. No problem, these things happen, poor lad was just trying to be helpful. Plus it gave me a great excuse to buy a new one, as my old one was getting a little bit rough round the edges. The coat I have my eye on in Wallis fits like it was made for me, in super soft chenille wool and satin lining, in luxurious black with a liquid silver inner and REAL POCKETS. The trouble I have finding a coat I like is ridiculous. I don't like too many buttons and so many coats have oversized ones or dodgy pockets - or worse, fake pockets. Pockets that aren't. Why would anyone DO that?!

Quote of the day: "I watch every calorie I eat. I miss my mouth if I don't." - Mum.

Sunday 13 December 2009

Disguuuusting Drinks...

Finally, after an arduous train journey with two very well behaved lizards, we are back up North. The kind girl in Sheffield's "Pumpkin" cafe refilled the dragon-hottie. Besides one incident where Kyle politely pooped behind my Nan's TV, they've been as good as gold.

Blurgggh. I just drank the world's most disgusting drink. My mother has excelled herself once more, and surprised me once again. I didn't think last year's Electric Blue Margarita (AKA rocket fuel) could be beaten - but this one's definitely done it. It's called "Zombies Brains". This is made with either tequila or vodka, a spot of lime juice, a spot of grenadine (in last) and Baileys which is carefully applied using a straw. As the Baileys contacts the lime in the bottom, it curdles into a nasty brainshaped pile. Finished with a spot of grenadine, it truly is a bloody awful drink.

The texture is indescribable - it's properly revolting as you slug it back. Don't be tempted to sip, I'm guessing that won't make it any more bearable - just whack it back and prepare to be grossed.

Blurgggggggggh! I just burped, and it was lumpy! I'm now too scared to burp.

It's so lovely to be back home.

Today's Quote: "Success is a journey, not a destination - so stop running and enjoy the scenery."

Tuesday 8 December 2009

Red-Head & Bed-Head

It's been a very successful week after all that gardening I got done! (Although I have noticed the back lawn consists more of daisies than actual grass now...)

My hair is done ready for going up to see the folks for an early Christmas next Saturday -I've gone an even darker chocolatey brown with big red splashes hidden in my hair, flashing like cinnabar in the soil. His Lordship's eccentric hair has finally settled and is looking sensible for a change!

Answers.com is rubbish. I wanted to know why pepperoni is red, and the answer I got was "thats like asking why is the sky blue" [SIC]. Yeah, real helpful, and good punctuation there boyos. For those interested, the normal red shade is due to lots of paprika, or in a lot of cases, artificial colourants. No thanks to Answers. Screw you, you sarcastic help-me-nots.

The dragons basket is almost ready to go, as well as our suitcases. I picked up some special "Solar Drops" for them to try - concentrated vitamin D3 oil, because they won't have access to proper UV lighting to make their own vitamin D. The D3 "Solar Drops" should do the job as a temporary substitute, s they can have a great time watching the world from the train with their hottie bottles, with their systems tricked into believing they're sat in glorious sunshine!

Probably a good job really, as the real world outside has been raining for almost 50 consecutive days...

I can't believe how much washing I have got done, despite the shocking weather: the whites are sparkling, the darks are done, the reds are vibrant and the bulky stuff is still taking up a ton of room. All clean and dry, waiting to be sorted and ironed.

Quote of the week: "Hikik - kikik - ik - ik? Wait. No. I meant who calls their kid King?"

Friday 4 December 2009

Just Forking About...

Today I have been doing an extraordinary amount of serious gardening. Old raspberry canes trimmed and inspected, infected leaves promptly removed and the new buds checked for early frost damage. The old rhubarb crown has now been split - Barbara turned in her position and Barnie, her "other half", planted out in the front. She's going to sulk something furious as I accidently snapped her main tuber, but she's got plenty to be going on with - I'll leave the first crop until later in the year to give her a chance to rebuild.

The ancient lavender bush in the front has heavily pruned and re-bound to stop it collapsing again - quite frankly I'm amazed it's still going. The hydrangea has had it's many heads lopped off, but much like the Hydra of Greek mythology, it will come back with twice as many next year. I also took out the weaker, less conveniently positioned sycamore saplings, old fuchsia branches and stripped chunks of grass from the borders.

The herb garden has been thoroughly manicured, old chive stems removed, the thymes cut right back and the first-year rosemary stems taken out. The miracle passionflower is twined back into place up the fence rather than across the baby gooseberry bush. I'm deeply impressed with this little plant and it's phoenix-like regrowth since the rootshock of moving it nearly killed it off - even the frosts haven't stopped it, anyone would think it was summer already.

I also planted a line of daffodils and crocuses, double-headed and singles, all planted along the front edge of the fence for splashes of vibrant yellow come spring, and will be thinking about doing some seed trays for smaller early summer flowers in a month or so.

I'm looking forwards to seeing the garden next year. It'll be fun to get some more vegetables rolling this time too - shame my packet of leftover lettuce, onion and radish seeds and my unopened carrot seeds blew away when my greenhouse got totalled in the storm. I'll have to find some green PVC tape to repair it.

Tuesday 1 December 2009

Country Life and Christmas Trees

The housefolks and I were having a lengthy debate about consumerism, materialism and how everybody seems to have overspent and the entire country has ended up in debt. As all four of us have consistently positive balances and pay off any credit card usage, we can't work out how the rest of the world has managed to cock it up so severely. My comment fairly summed it up - "Our country pride - people today seem to think it's margarine."

On a lighter point of extreme materialism, Christmas is on it's way! I love the gaudy festivity and especially my Christmas Tree. glittering green glass, pretty purple plastic and beautiful blue birds, brilliant butterflies and baubles with superb sparkly sequins! We were deeply

It's been an interesting week at work. On our closed training morning at a bigger branch, I was startled when one of our girls suddenly screamed. The manageress snatched up the bin and laughed - in the very bottom of the empty metal bin was a tiny terrified grey mouse! We let him out in the gardens, and wish the little rascal success.

The next day, my poor colleague was getting so upset at the risk of missing an important doctor's appointment, she shut the branch and turfed me out into the cold without a chance to get my coat. It was only once she had locked the front door that I realised she hadn't pegged the inner door - and it had locked me out.

I was frozen through, much to the cover staff's amusement, once she'd arrived. By this time I was in a black temper, and in my annoyance, I forgot to take the alarm remote out of my pocket - and got wedged tight in the coin chute. I have to laugh though, I ended up breaking the chute in the long run - it's had a dodgy lock that needed repairing for a couple of weeks, and I couldn't get the damn thing open on the other side and ended up knocking the handle off the inner lock.

Needless to say, as the whole operation is so difficult and time consuming, it would be completely impractical for someone to try it in an effort to rob the place, and no good to them without keys! But the spellchecker summed us up nicely in my letter to the repairs team. It didn't recognise the company name, and came up with this great description of the staff: "Newest Nattiest Neatest Nitwits".

I have just completed a major overhaul on Spyyk's page - http://www.spyyk.blogspot.com if anyone would care to have a look. I've updated the colours and layout, and also loaded up the last two years of questions from Axie keepers. I'd be interested in any feedback and improvement suggestions.

Question of the day: In the opening credits of "The Simpsons", what is Marge beeping her horn at?

Monday 23 November 2009

MMMMMMREs

I am somewhat thankful that my big box of American MRE samples arrived today. MRE stands for Meal Ready to Eat - carefully packed, nutritionally balanced foodstuffs for on duty military personnel.

Thankful because our stupid fridge freezer is being extra retarded. The fridge freezes better than the freezer. His Lordship took an egg out, cracked it over a pan, and promptly nearly messed himself laughing as a "whole" egg fell out. Frozen solid. The salad vegetables were ruined, soggy piles of pale green goop and the yogurts are more like icecream. *sigh*

The MREs have all kinds of yummy things in, the meals themselves are chili and macaroni, and a minestrone dish. We have lots of extras, including peanut butter, cappuchino, vegetable crackers, spiced apples, grape juice, jalapeno cheese spread... all kinds of niceness! The chocolate brownie we shared - and it was AWESOME. Not only is it boosted with extra iron, it also contains over 18% of your daily dietary fibre and tastes like awesomeness! (Alright, so it doesn't beat Mum's brownies, but it had a damn good try of it.)

Tuesday 17 November 2009

Lovely Lidl

Ugh. I am SO sick of the RAIN. It has done NOTHING but rain every evening and now all my weekend too. When I'm AT WORK, the weather has been glorious, sunny and bright. As soon as I'm out and I want to go to town, do some gardening, go to the shop, put some clothes out to dry... It's soddin' raining.

I can't finish my giftwrapping as we're out of ribbons, and I don't fancy trying to fight my way down the Queensway to get there with this dark, wind and rain... Even the lack of toilet roll hasn't persuaded me to go shopping, not even the appalling cheap paper the lads consider suitable.

I did however manage to get to Lidl, having forgot how cool it is, but reminded by the startling price of Stollen in Tesco. £9 for a kilo loaf. Lidl do the same size for £1.99. Result: £7 savings and a whole lot of yummy.

I daren't buy too many Christmas foodie bits that I need to chill - the freezer is getting slowly more dodgy again... I do have a few not-necessary-to-freeze bits, like Cadbury chocolate fingers, a tin of sweeties, some mince pies, chocolate coated apricot filled gingerbreads and, of course, my Stollen. It's too early to get the Christmas Tree down, but I'm very tempted.

Dragons are too busy being snoozy. They know the weather outside is bad, and are quietly ignoring it. Tsam has been exploring the travel basket, jumping on, in and nosing around it - which will make it easier when we need to use it, as he'll know what it is and what it's for. I did find a cool little bag to go with it for carrying heat equipment, empty hot water bottle, food boxes etc.

Christmas: Magical, just like the Monocerous constellation. (Courtesy of NASA's Hubble Heritage Team)

Wednesday 11 November 2009

Fence Panels and Fuchsia Pots...

Ugh, why do people choose such obvious names for their pets? Somewhere in the world, a dozen times over in this same minute, yet another poor kitten is being saddled with the moniker "Tigger". Don't get me wrong, I love A.A.Milne - but I don't believe you should curse some poor little cat with such a common name. Call your pets something that actually suits them, and he'd be a lot easier to find, rather than half a dozen local "Fluffies" or "Tiggers" turning up at your door when you shout him in for dinner time. Think about it, could you live with being called "Fluffy" all your life?

Terry Tackety-Toes has now hit 9.9g and growing fast. Kyle is fed up with the cooling weather, Tsam has turned into a teenager and is refusing to get out of bed. Seems sensible to me. Mind you, we've had an engineer in to fix the heating at last! Just in time really... Weather down here absolutely shocking - my lavender tree in it's pot blew over, my greenhouse shredded in the wind, several glazed pots blew away across the lawn, one fence panel has come loose, my fuchsia uprooted (I replanted and pegged it) and my ripening fig blew off and the woodlice have eaten it!

I think the bad weather has got to Him also. His Lordship was wondering what to have for lunch and I reminded him we didn't have any bread left when he suggested soup. He went "Oh. Ok, I could do a sandwich instead then?" How would you do that. "Oh. Oh, yeah. Duhhh."

Ah well, thank goodness for Tesco's website - you don't get the full force of the gale winds when you go shopping online!

Monday 9 November 2009

Stores, Sandwiches, Sweetener and Super-Sugary!

I was looking for a book for a Christmas present and I couldn't find it anywhere in the store. I was sure I had seen it in the window, so I went back outside to check again - and realised the problem. (Read the shop sign!)

We have just partaken in the most odd dessert - it's supposed to be "Tesco Incredibly Smooth Toffee Low Fat Yogurt". It had a light, burnt sugar flavour with thinnish patches and then thick creamy globs just when you're not expecting them. However, I was pleased to find a grand total of one bit of actual chewy fudge in this bizarrely textured foodstuff. The rest of the pieces were... truly strange. It was... it was how you'd imagine eating bubble wrap would be like. They were these almost firm bibbles of substance which, upon applying pressure with your tongue, would sort of deflate, leaving plasticy feeling shards - just like running your finger (or tongue) over popped bubble wrap. Closer examination revealed them to have some form of syrup inside, but I had to fish one out and pop it on the spoon before I noticed.

And here's the winner for me. This "Low Fat Yogurt" turned out to contain around 31% of your daily sugar intake!

Sticking with the lunch theme, we have found the safest word on the internets! It came back with 47 pages worth of google images with SafeSearch switched off - and not one pornographic image! "Sandwiches" - Tasty AND safe for all ages! Better yet, Google even recommended Healthy Sandwiches! (Point of interest - quite a lot of meringue appears on this search.) It only took 22 pages to find a picture-nasty for just "Sandwich" though. (Pic: Southernliving.com)

Sunday 1 November 2009

Happy Halloween!

The Halloween party was great fun! Everybody recognised His Lordship, complete with retro phone and a handful of Ugandan dollars. He pulled off some impressive impersonations, from Terry Tibbs to Mouse: "Can I has a cheeseburger? But without the burger? Or the bun?" Interestingly, His dinner works out about 86,000 Ugandan shillings - roughly £26!

Bless him, He's been so helpful - he spent two hours wearing my wig whilst I shaped and bound it, and then helped me through another four hours of makeup - foundation, powders and colours. Some of it is actually modelling paints, finished off round the edges with miniature black rhinestones! (Although I'm still catching myself trying not to touch my face - even though I took all the makeup off last night...)

It was a great night out and a good laugh with friends - Jana literally didn't know what to make of us all! One of the gang looked just like the girl from the latest Sweeny Todd movie, with her fishnets and her wee top hat - she made the full outfit herself! Drinking beer through a balaclava has an art to it apparently; it makes you look somewhat like a butterfly sipping from a flower. Or a deranged fish...

Himself and I had a lovely meal (as per usual - this is Mulberries after all) with starters of smoked salmon with new potatoes and cream sauce, and a chicken and bacon salad with balsamic reduction. He went for a 10oz rump steak with peppercorn sauce, whilst I took the coq au vin with mushrooms. Garthy's coc au vin red sauce tastes fanTAStic with onion rings.

Bex: "Rumour has it that in 2 years time Youtube, Twitter & Facebook will all join 2 make 1 huge social networking site... it will be called Youtwitface"

Sunday 25 October 2009

Dragon Soap!

Soap trial, test day one, assistant: Kyle.
Phase one - introduction.

Enter soap. Green with yellow highlights. Smells extraordinary, a delicate combination of plasticine and licorice at first sniff. Picture taken shortly after her first lick, considering the flavour. My personal initial lick is that it's quite salty. Himself and I had a nibble off a corner each (as promised) and have deduced it's quite like a salty margarine. He's never tried soap before, and has classed it as definitely quite salty. Not a surprise there, as soap is technically a salt. You've got the olive oil, a fatty acid, and lye, a powerful alkalide. Chemistry says combine the two, you get a salt.

Phase two - trial.
Scrub down.

One wet dragon plus soap equals one very foamy dragon! A nice, fine lather, no extravagant bubbles, but a very pleasing cleansing effect. My secondary lick decides that it would probably be alright on toast with a savoury topping, not that I recommend anyone try it. The slightly bitter yucca flavour is quite dominant. Interestingly, yucca extract is often added to dragon food as it helps reduce the smell of the waste! Not the most flattering angle for Kyle there, but you can see a fine layer of foam across her scales.

Kyle enjoying her scrub, not a trace of grey in her usually grumpy features - in fact, a happy orange glow is just deducable in her soapy beard. She has a lick of the foam at this point and declares it bubbly on the tongue. Another lick confirms. A fine lather, but doing a grand job of cleaning the muck off her - the stains on her tail lifted admirably due to the lemon and yucca combination. Antibacterial properties and not only smelling nice, but also reduces smells!

Phase three - rinseoff.
Cleaning away the foam.

Looking much cleaner as we start to rinse her off. I noticed at this point that it'd been about 15 minutes and I still hadn't got prune fingers. Her scales are also surprisingly shiny - this soap's got some pretty good moisturising leet skills! I've never seen her ACTUALLY glitter! That's really added some extra sparkle to her glossy surface and she feels lovely and conditioned.

Phase four - cleandown.
Shiny and polished!

One very clean, surprisingly happy dragon. Kyle's not known for her smiles unless she's either eating or shoved in a jumper. The blend of fruits and herbs I've used has produced a good cleaning effect, and a rather good dragonstank neutraliser, rendering her normally yicky wet dragon smell (akin to wet dog with coffee thrown on it) to dragony but sweet smelling.

Some hours later, she's still smelling pretty decent, her scales are still very smooth and I'm rather impressed!

Friday 23 October 2009

A Comment On Consumerism

Regarding the last blog - I bought the bag. Materialism is a rife disease, and I proved not to be as resilient as I had hoped. Talking of which, I've noticed the game "Brutal Legend" looks just like World of Warcraft crossed with Guitar Hero. Hmm. Appealing to a wide range of pasty men. I suppose £40 is fairly cheap for protecting your son's virginity for the next few months.

On the subject of games, I have long been a fan of Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw, AKA "Zero Punctuation" for his rather funny, sometimes a bit rude and certainly unique reviewing style. Snip from escapistmagazine.com : "Yahtzee is a British-born, currently Australian-based writer and gamer with a sweet hat and a chip on his shoulder. When he isn't talking very fast into a headset mic he also designs freeware adventure games and writes the back page column for PC Gamer, who are too important to mention us. His personal site is www.fullyramblomatic.com." NSFW, due to occasional outbursts of fully justifed expletives. However - this particular one "Wolvenstein", is most extraordinary...


It turns out driving through a puddle to splash bystanders is an offence of "careless, and inconsiderate, driving" under the Road Traffic Act section 3 and carries a fine of up to £2,500. Thankfully, nothing to do with me, but a driver who admitted soaking a workman by driving through a puddle was fined £150 and given three penalty points by magistrates in Yeovil. - from Skynews

Tuesday 20 October 2009

Bumends, Bagels, and Burritos.

Some very strange things happen around me - some plain odd, some gross, and some just... WHY?

On my way out of Tesco this afternoon, I noticed a bloke picking fagends. Not just off the street either, which is bad enough, but out of an overflowing dustbin. Normally I'd feel sorry for him, but this bloke just did a pile of shopping, two tills down from me. If you've got enough money for crisps and crap, why not avoid getting contagious diseases to go with your cancer? Ugh.

Discussing dinners with Shroom earlier, he had this to say to the readers: "Well, like a man once told me: Hot dog. Bagel. Put em together and now they have a purpose. It's rather weird, seeing a man put a hot dog slowly in a bagel, then just set it on the table and tap it. Don't think I'll ever do that in front of a mirror again. Tastes delicious though." - gives me a wonderful vision somewhat akin to a punchbag session, but with a hotdog... (Pic: Oddee.com)

A friend of mine has discovered he has a rather bizarre condition, meaning he can't read anything in yellow... "It turns out I'm not stupid, I just have screwy eyes!" He describes the effect of yellow writing as - it makes his brain somewhat like a dodgy PC, it forces too much into his head at once and his processor can't handle it.

I was shocked when I heard one of the girls at work had recently been given a bag worth over £900 by her boyfriend. I don't think I could ever buy a bag that costs almost a grand - I could never justify it when there are too many other practical things I could be buying. Being as I'm still pondering buying a bag, and have been trying to justify it for some time - at the grand price of £3.99.

Mum sent me a quick email that made me laugh: "I was walking down the village with Deif, when this girl walks up to me and says: 'That's one of them 'Chimichanga' dogs, isn't it?' Me - 'No, he's a chihuahua.' Her - 'You're WRONG!' Me -'Ooooookaaaay......excuse me, I have to go home and feed my burrito.' ... " (Pic: I-am-bored.com

Bearing in mind I don't smoke, very rarely drink, and have yet to have my long awaited hash brownie (still haven't got round to going to Amsterdam) and don't condone the use of illegal substances - I have learned some rather practical tips over the last few years, from how to prepare your herbs for better cookies (use best butter and lightly fry) to producing a proper green brick (bread tins work best). Also, here's a handy bit of advice for anyone that does it - soaking your mushrooms in honey for a week and consuming the honey instead allows for less risk of a bad trip I'm told. Plus it would preserve the mushrooms I guess.

Still, I prefer being in full control of my systems - that's why I don't like getting drunk. I don't see the fun in spending so much money, just to wake up with my head in a toilet and have no idea of where all my money went. I just believe in learning - it's fascinating what you can find out!

Here's a thought for you: Why don't lizards yawn when you yawn at them? I noticed they like a good yawn - heck, Kyle's set ME off a few times, and it works with dogs if you yawn at them...

Thursday 15 October 2009

Failed Florentines and Better Bathrooms

I have got much more done in the last couple of days. Having left the downstairs bathroom for a considerable number of weeks, I realised yesterday men are not disturbed by thick layers of filth in their living areas. Confronted by the considerable mess, I pondered what to do about it.

In the end, I removed all items not fixed down - pulled the door almost to, and sprayed most of the contents of a large can of cleaning foam into the room. Walk away for ten minutes, laugh at the male that wandered in and subsequently fled choking. I spent a considerable time then cleaning it - but now it's white, as opposed to brown and grey.

I had a go at making Florentines L'Orange today. Lots of almonds, a drop or two of citrus oils and vanilla, some dried citrus peels, dark orange Bournville and some possibly-not-going-to-set sugar mix . Yes, I got my sugar mix slightly wrong, and now I have a brilliant liquidy caramel! I wanted a more Rolo texture, but I got "Big Purple One" instead by accident. Still tastes good though. My florentines did NOT look anything like the picture, but the recipe on freerecipes.org is probably more practical than mine.

We've picked up the train tickets for going up North in December, and I'm fully stuck in to proper Christmas shopping. I'm only buying for close family, because I only have limited space in the suitcase, and we do have to carry everything after all!

There was a nice little plant going for 75p in Tesco - one of those pretty orange/red bromeliads. It's now tucked happily in the back of Terry's tank, adding a splash of much needed, vibrant colour.

Sunday 11 October 2009

Apples and Pears (and Bananas?)

What a truly pleasant week off. I've had my grandparents visit, we've been out some nice places, had some great meals and done absolutely nothing I intended to do this week! (Literal pic of the week: www.I-am-bored.com)

We went Mulberry's for dinner and had a row with Grumps about who'd pay. He's really firm when he puts his foot down - he was NOT going to let me pay! I rave about Mulberry's a lot, but Garth does some wicked-good foods. Grumps, being an avid ginger muncher and warned about it, was still quite surprised at the ferocity of the ginger icecream! Good stuff!

We watched two seperate carnivals in one day, I bought a wonderful bit of Kyanite and shared a toasty bag of chips with His Lordship late at night on the way home - perfection.

My favourite day had to be that "Apple Day" in Sturminster Newton. After promptly ignoring the SatNav, it took us nearly an additional 25 minutes to get to where we were going, and then discovered that this highly acclaimed apple day was little more than 10 trees, an apple press and a couple of stalls. And the apple cake had already sold out! But nonetheless, I thoroughly enjoyed it. That's what these days out are all about - and I picked up some delicious pear cider.

High point of the day? Nan: "Ooh, what have they got on that table over there?" Me, blinking: "A dirty nappy Nan. That man's changing his baby. Ask nicely and he'll probably give you a good deal on it though."

Saturday 10 October 2009

Baskets for Beardies and Peaches for Geckos...

I have bought a nice wicker basket with a butterfly-style lid on eBay. I figured Tsam was getting a bit big to wrap in his towel and drop in my canvas bag, so this new basket will be far roomier for the pair of them, and better protection from being squished. I can still store my stuff with them, as well as a hot water bottle and a heatmat! Must remember to collect it though - it's in a little village! Progresser75 sells some really funk-tional willow and wicker stuff.

Terry is 8.4g and growing fast. It seems the little lizard has taken to sleeping on the floor wrapped in a favourite leaf - but after some browsing this is actually quite normal for a small percentage of crested geckos.

I've had a fabulous weekend for orange chocolate. Bendicks are doing their bittersweet orange tablets in tubes again, I found a bottle of orange essence to add to my normal (but free!) hot chocolate, Bournville had an offer on their version with real orange pieces AND Terry's have brought out yet another flavour: chocolate orange with popping candy!

(Try singing the title to "Raindrops on roses"... I'm still trying to think of some ideas for the next line, so do submit your entries!)

Thursday 8 October 2009

Mmmmmmould

We were trying to find out exactly what kind of mould was growing in our kitchen. George had left another of his unique rice pans lying in an undiscovered spot, and it had gone almost.... pretty. George has a talent for creating a thick, gluelike layer of starch in his rice pans and, as you can see, the different moulds love it. We've got pink jelly beans, fluffy green hillocks and a delicate yellow slime. We figured out that the pink is most likely Serratia marcescens, and I think we've got some Fusarium families (green) and quite possibly a rather pleasant case of Aspergillus Flavus (yellow). A.Flavus comes with a nasty toxin that can cause hepatitis, brain necrosis and cancers! Hurray! On the other hand, had we kept it and avoided all the nasty toxins, a nice side effect of mouldy rice is... Sake! Sadly though, you need koji mould, which doesn't appear to be present in this case.

I happened to stumble across a rather amusing website when trying to find out what sort of moulds they were that George had left growing in his rice pan. Here's some extracts for you, and the full link:

http://www.ucc.asn.au/~alastair/biohazard/

"6-Apr-2000: Isn't it funny how milk doesn't smell much different when it first goes off, but when you try to pour it onto your cereal it's more like cheese with salad dressing?.... 9-Jun-2000: I have discovered that stale & mouldy rye bread bounces well. 11-Jun-2000: The rye bread doesn't bounce too good any more. So I threw it out."

Monday 5 October 2009

"Confidence Boosters" - the in-depth review.

Milling around on the internets, which I occasionally do, I found this on MSN from Match.com - Confidence Boosters by Nina Malkin. So here's the full article, complete with our interview-style "His'N'Hers" input.

What’s the secret to a truly successful date?
The assurance that you’re an amazing person who knows how to have a great time. Adopt that attitude and you will have fun. OK, while science has yet to develop confidence in tablet form, there are plenty of things you can do to pump yourself up, trounce pre-date anxiety and be the attractive, witty, wonderful woman you are. We’ve got the tips—from makeup tricks to mantras—that’ll get you there. (pic: nutfactory.com)

The true secret to a successful date is to find someone you actually LIKE and start a conversation - remembering to let THEM join in too. Straight talking is a good thing - I don't think I can cope with a giggle and twee girly girl, or stuck up. Just be normal. Humility is good, in terms of being able to realise your own flaws, so that if someone else sees them, you're not bothered by it - make it a part of your plus points - nobody is perfect!

Create a lovability inventory.
“Make a list of what makes you instantly attractive—things like your great smile, sexy legs, fabulous hair, etc.,” says dating coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, author of MANifesting Mr. Right: It’s Never Too Late to Find the Love You Want. “Then list why you’re a great catch—qualities like sunny disposition, good listener, quick-witted.” Read these reminders daily and give ‘them a scan before your meet your date. Most of all, remember that they’re so true!

It's always nice to remember what you like about yourself, yes - but if your high point is your elbow, you're just a little bit stuck. I'm sorry girls, all blokes notice of is boobs, bums and legs - and that's if you're lucky. By all means go for an ego boost, but don't get carried away and list them all to HIM. There's nothing wrong with a bit of self-flattery, but don't be a stuck-up b*tch. Those that think they're "all-that" with the snotty, snide attitude, I don't have the time of day for. Anyone whom is going to be like that in any social setting isn't likely to pay me any attention - or worse, be very NEEDY. "Sharon sez I should get my hair done for anuvver freehunnerd powns..."

Get fresh.
It may seem obvious, but cleanliness is key to success. “I bathe, brush my teeth, spray on perfume and I’m good to go,” says Adriana Williams, 36. So don’t dash straight from the office to a special date. Schedule it a little later in the day so you can go home and hit the showers. That little bit of primp time in your own zone will get you primed to feel glamorous and have a great time. (pic - BBC - gilbert from "Get Fresh")

Basic common sense - don't turned up smelly and creased from a long day at work. Also, if you're eating out, or having food before you go out, remember to avoid the usual culprits - garlic, fish and cigarettes. There's NOTHING worse than cigarette stank to a non-smoker. Would you like him to turn up smelling like old feet? Cleanliness is next to godliness, fair enough. If she turned up mingin' with her hair matted like she's been in a gorilla sh*t fight, I'd be quick to get out of there. I've um, got a plane to catch to get to Guatamala - I should have told you before, but I only just remembered!

Gain the home-court advantage.
Is there a place where everybody knows your name? Where the lighting, the seating, the menu makes you feel at home? Go there on your next date! “Nothing is nicer than having the support and approval of people who know and acknowledge you,” says Donna Spangler, author of How to Marry a Rich Man: The Princess Formula. A friendly hello from your
favourite host, waitperson or barista can boost your confidence, big-time.

Practical - but then you get the judgemental side of the people you know seeing you turn up for different dates. Also, what about the guy?! He'll be thinking: "Jeez, how many times has she brought blokes here?!" But on the other hand, if he wants to take you somewhere flash, roll with it honey! He clearly thinks you're worth spending the money on! Always check if he wants to go Dutch, but don't push it. Be wary of those that try to wiggle out of paying altogether - but if they have a tab for the Ritz... Oh nonono. No, find somewhere neutral. He's going to be thinking"Crap, who are all these people, I'm a spare wheel here!" If a friend passed by in a pub, fair enough. Otherwise it's daunting, you know everyone, and I don't - I'd be completely out of place. It's a kick in the nuts for the other guy.

Give yourself a pep talk.
“The greatest confidence booster for women in their forties is the conversation they have with themselves,” says relationship counsellor Joyce Morley-Ball, author of Seeds for the Harvest of a Lifetime. “Embrace statements like ‘There is no one like me’ and ‘I am the best thing he will ever meet’ before your next date.” Say it, believe it, and kick your self-esteem up a notch.

Whilst this tends to be good advice, you might also want to see an actual counsellor to help with your esteem issues too - if something in your past is "blocking" you, it needs to be dealt with, not avoided and placebo'ed. Plus the name of the book sounds a bit rapey - don't let him see it for god's sake! Yeaaaah, that's a bit bunny-boiler. Eekeeekeeekeek, knife in hand.

Check in with your biggest fan.
“Surround yourself with positive people who make you feel really good inside,” says dating coach Liz Kelly, author of Smart Man Hunting. “Call your best ally on the way to a date for a confidence boost.” You needn’t say you want a pre-date pick-me-up—you’ll get good vibes just hearing this person’s voice. (pic: on10.com - for the nerds!)

Why would you be friends with someone who doesn't like you? Don't get neurotic, but do make sure you've got proper friends. Could you rely on any of them if, say, you needed help sitting a nephew? Find real friends, and don't be afraid to stand up to two-faced people. Bitching doesn't make a real connection. Pre-game warm-up for blokes, if anything, it's like a blokey chat in the pub, a very informal chat. "Go you mate, get some." A very lowbrow thing, but you know, it works. I know it happens in the bathrooms, so try it properly with your friends - you lot like your details. The after game party for women is a lot bigger, for blokes it's just "Whoar mate, yes." or "Cor yeah, right on" or "Nah, don't think so." That's about it. The other guys think "You lucky b*stard." After that it's always polite to ask how your mates are doing on their current game or preferred sporting activity, 'cause by that time we've probably forgotten what we were talking about.

Treat yourself right.
Schedule that spa appointment the night or afternoon before a big date. “If you consciously include extra me-time into your schedule, you’ll feel more powerful and in control of your life,” says makeup artist Suzie Galvez, author of The Thrifty Girls Guide To Glamour: Living the Beautiful Life on Little to No Money. The only caveat? Those who tend to break out after a facial might want to opt for the massage or pedicure instead.

Oh how glamour girlie. How Sex in the City. How... expensive. I agree to treating yourself, by all means, but you can have a nice "Spa Day" at home if you set aside a few minutes and some of your favourite things. As a not-girly-girl, my pick-me-up is a nice apple hair conditioner. Men DO notice soft hair and a delicate perfume , but don't overdo it. I wouldn't be able to tell the difference if you'd been to the spa or been running errands for Jimmy Saville all day! It sort of goes back to the cleanliness thing - if you've turned up smelling nice, looking clean and sparkly, that's great. But you don't need to go spending a fortune having a mud massage up your arse or whatever.

Keep it real.
You want to sizzle, but don’t try something totally new and different, fashion- and beauty-wise. To really feel on top of your game, you’re best off looking like you. “If downtown diva is your thing, don’t show up in Laura Ashley,” says Raya Premji, co-owner of Rodeo Drive Resale in Los Angeles. One easy way to reveal your personality through fashion, she adds, is to simply wear your favourite colour.

On the other hand, don't go wearing joggy bottoms and a disintegrating old jumper. That may be what you look like most of the time, but it's not attractive. Would you want to go home with a bloke that turned up looking like that? Dress to the standard you would require of your partner. Fair comment. On a first date, I'd notice a particularly striking haircut, (thinking time) I'd notice what she was wearing in terms of dress or top, because at some point I'm going to be thinking about her boobs. If I can see cleavage, it's "Nice top." If not, it's "Nice hair." I'm not saying hooker cleavage, but enough to be interesting.

Break out the sexy underwear.
Go for silk or lace, black or red, skimpy or demure—whatever makes you feel special. “It’s not for anyone else to see– just for you!” says Ryan. “You can’t help but feel your allure amplified with nice lingerie on.” (pic: believe it or not, that's underwear - the C string. ttnet.net)

The only reason you think about sex more when you're wearing sexy underwear is because it's so damn uncomfortable that every time you move, you remember you're wearing the goddawful things. If only YOU are going to see them, that seems a bit of a waste of time. Quite frankly, if only YOU are going to see them, you might as well have the big old comfy pants on. But sure, if you've got that inkling that you might get action later that night, then go ahead and wear that skimpy number in black lace - take down your evening dress and be revealed in lovely neglige - mmmmmm.

Carry yourself—in your purse.
That snapshot from your last holiday, with you looking so happy and healthy? The picture from the awards dinner in your honour, when you heard all that applause? Keep it handy. Glancing at it will remind you of how amazing you are. And you might want to share it, if the opportunity presents itself. Giving your date a gander can spark discussion of how amazing you are. “Fun photos paint a picture of confidence that’s irresistible,” says Kelly. “Imagine you're back on that beach when describing your last vacation photo with a big smile.”

And just how're you going to explain THAT when he spots it in your purse? "Oh, that's my twin sister?" Yeah. By all means, keep a great pic on the fridge or in a frame by the door, somewhere you'll see it on the way out, but not in your purse. Put a pic of something you enjoy in your purse - I keep one of my lizards, because they make me feel good, plus I have conversation material ready if it gets noticed and don't sound completely self-centred. I'd be a bit confused. Purses are for your puppy, boyfriend, your baby sister or something, something that makes sense.

Be comfortable, be confident.
“No need to hold your breath in tight jeans; opt for something with a bit of stretch,” says Premji. Same strategy for shoes. “Your dogs will be barking in minutes if you go with too-high heels. Try leg-lengthening wedges instead or a sandal that laces at the ankle.” Finally, unless you’re totally at ease dressing like Lil’ Kim, be sexy while leaving something to the imagination. “Try peek-a-boo styles: sheer tops over a tank, slit skirts,” Premji says. And remember the rule to only wear one revealing item – for instance, if you’re wearing a short skirt, keep your top demure. Want to show off your shoulders in a pretty camisole? Then keep the skirt longer for more leg-coverage. Leaving something to the imagination is always more alluring than full disclosure on date number one.

If your trousers don't fit, you're going to feel fat. Don't get me wrong, I'm a bigger woman and I'm comfortable with it. Hell, I KNOW I look good when I make a go of it. But if you feel your waistband pinching, it's going to annoy you and make you snappy. Be PRACTICAL. Or if not practical, buy something that fits, looks and feels nice. Take a real friend shopping for feedback and advice - or if you're alone and like something, ask a complete stranger how it looks! Strangers are more likely to be polite too! I'd feel VEEERY awkward if I had too small pants on for a date. I have the luxury of boxers. If I have a belt that suddenly pulls in the evening, I can politely excuse myself from the table and go and release a few notches!

Get your story straight.
“Everyone has at least one great story from her real-life experience,” says relationship expert Wendy Allen, Ph.D., author of How to Survive the Crisis of an Affair. “Telling it—and telling it well—lets you express yourself in a poised, self-assured way.” Figure out what your story is, and practice telling it in the privacy of your own home. Self-deprecating stories can work well; just steer clear of anything too heavy. Lead in by saying, “Want to hear a great story?” and when you have his attention, begin. Make sure your tale has a beginning, middle and end, and don’t ramble. Bonus tip: If you know a funny (not dirty—at least not yet!) joke and can deliver it like Leno, go for it.

Be prepared to listen to him. Men like talking about themselves, so ask them stuff about themselves. Try doing some basic background work before you meet up - ask some people what kind of things he likes, hobbies etc. No. I wouldn't want to sit through story-time. Unless it's like the most godlike of stories, really, quite frankly no. Interactivity is what a date should be about, not "is everyone siting comfortably?" Anecdotes are fine, short and concise, but not the "Sharon and I went to the zoo, got an icecream, she did but I didn't, saw some monkeys and..." I'd be switched off and all like... empty dial tone ooooooooooo.

Wear a conversation piece.
You’ll feel special sporting something you love, says Premji. Plus, even a fashion-challenged man will notice a unique treasure—like a family heirloom or that exotic necklace you found during your travels.

Yes, because he's going to notice, let alone mention, your pretty necklace. Excuse the raised eyebrow, but I have yet to meet a bloke that comments on jewellery unless I've asked him first. We really don't know. We're just not tuned that way. Intricate things we don't tend to notice, unless you've got, I don't know, two PSPs as earrings. Then I'd notice.

Clinch eye contact.
Want your date to gaze into the windows of your soul? Place a dot of a gold or light-reflecting eye shadow on the centre of your eyelid, then blend softly. “Humans beings are
naturally attracted to light,” says Galvez. “When you blink, your date will notice and be drawn to the light area but won’t know why.” (pic: Helix Nebula (NGC 7293) - Nasa)

What, are men moths now? Why didn't anyone tell me? Why isn't your man paying attention to you in the first place? Heck, you could just get some nice false eyelashes with the rhinestones on - that'll work. Or carry a lazer light. That'd do the trick and provide some "light entertainment"!

Lip it good.
The right lip colour is an instant lift. Red is a classic choice for women forty-plus, says Galvez. It makes teeth look whiter, which helps encourage you to smile, which exudes confidence. Another option? “Slightly frosty, non-Eighties pink works for me!” says Jenny Sucov, 38. “It flatters every complexion and makes you look tanned.”

Bright red also shows off your facial hair like a beacon, so you look like somebodies granddad with a 'tasche like that. "Lip it good" by going to a tester counter and getting one of the girls to do your colours properly - that way you'll know what really suits you, rather than some generic advice. The whole lipstick thing - some shades can help form a face, but some can make her look a lot like a rubber doll. Find the right lipstick.

See your success.
“Visualise success on your date—this process forces your mind to create a plan of action,” says life coach Eric J. Aronson, founder of DASH Systems, LLC. “Imagine yourself enjoying yourself on the date; picture yourself as beautiful, sexy, fun and outgoing in the perfect atmosphere.”

Wow, did you remember your plan of action and your battle fatigues? Chill OUT. You're here for a nice time, not to trap your male, fertilise your eggs and eat him. Quite! Haha... It's about having a good time and seeing if you get on, not a military operation.

Wear blinders.
Nothing blows confidence like thinking every other woman in the joint is a supermodel. “Stand tall, and don't compare your physical appearance to others,” says Aronson. Stay focused on your date and learning about him.

Darling, he's going out with you, not that silly bint in the corner. Go out to enjoy yourself, not to be Kate Moss. Kate Moss looks like a matchstick figure anyway. As to standing tall, I'm tall and that doesn't make the blindest bit of difference. However, holding your shoulders back and walking straight DOES help. Practise your posture, try the books on your head trick. You don't want to look all slumped and office-y in the evening. Who cares about them? Stop worrying about the people. If he's so sh*t that he'll wander off and chat up the barmaid on your date... Clearly he's not worth it. What ARE you women thinking?!

Get physical.
Try to fit in a pre-date workout—you know how great kicking butt in tae-bo makes you feel! “A bit of physical exercise before a date increases blood flow and hormone levels to psych you up,” says Aronson.

Just don't forget to, you know, have a shower. This is one of the few points I'll actually agree with. It has been proven that exercise is beneficial when you're feeling low - I don't mean sign up to a gym straight away, even something as simple as a brisk walk will make a big difference to your day. Obsessing over your weight and what you eat is a huge turnoff. Exercise is good. Keeps you healthy and reasonably trim - the whole "I haven't moved in ten years look" doesn't do it for everyone. Toned is nice, but bear in mind not all blokes like scary muscular - be healthy and don't worry about the rest. Malnutrition is not a big turnon either, a healthy appetite by all means, but know your limits.

Keep things in perspective.
Unless you’re going to the Oscars or a coronation, a date is still just a date. “I have a calming ritual to clear my head of expectations,” says Robin Glenn, 48. “I tell myself, ‘This is not a big deal’ and ‘Don’t try t0o hard.’ I always have a better time when I don’t expect it to be mind-
blowing.”
About time. Obviously, stick to some standards, and try not to drink too much. I know people think it's a confidence booster, but it also lowers your inhibitions and makes you liable to do something completely stupid. There are a few stages of drunk - sober/drunk: you laugh at not so funny stuff, but that's not a bad thing, blokes tend to have crap jokes. There's giggly drunk: where everything's funny. Stop here, this is the best bit. Don't knock em back like there's no tomorrow. Because there IS a tomorrow and you're going to have a baaaad head when it arrives. If you don't stop, you progress to the paranoia drunk: not good. The slurring, hiccupping drunk: not good at all. Which is followed by the staggering possibly vomiting drunk and the last stage of drunk which is falling unconscious in a puddle of your own vomit. Mm, what a great night out THAT was.

Revel in your sensuality.
“Walk into a date with a big grin because you are a hot commodity in your sexual prime,” says Kelly suggests. “At this age, you know who you are and what you want, which is a huge turn-on.” So work it to your advantage!

This last tip works with guys that have massive egos. Pandering to these humongous egos later on is no fun. Be prepared to seperate dream and reality. Quite honestly, we blokes are a bit crap. Be realistic - if he's chisel jawed, craploads of money and perfect job and house, he's probably going to want the most bimbotic girl going, and he'll most likely love himself more than you.