Friday 27 February 2009

Hell in a Handbasket?

It's not a good week. All is slowly going to hell in a hand basket.

My bike is costing more than I thought it would be, so finance is going to be very tight; I've hit the credit card to cover for it and put off my holiday. My concentration is shot so my till doesn't balance at work and I can't even escape into my books due to lack of focus. My sister's having teeth out and Mum's biopsy came back uncertain, so she's got to do it again. His Lordship's Mum's in hospital with pneumonia and my lift to work failed as the gearbox fell out earlier. There's still an ugly hole in my bathroom wall and the freezer still doesn't work properly. My new website keeps falling offline for no good reason and worst of all, Mum's discovered she can't eat baked beans any more!

Thankfully I have a mandarin cheesecake and Himself. Cheesecake is one of my greatest cures for the blues and cheesecake brings good luck. With cheesecake (and Him to slice it), I know things will get better.

Monday 23 February 2009

Sharpshooter? More Like Dumb Bullet.

It was so bad, it gave me hiccups. You realise of course I was talking about the movie "Sharpshooter". Or rather "Shahurkpshoohurkter". You'll be pleased to know it was so great, it went straight to TV, never even making the big screen. Just my big screen, to my misfortune.

We noticed some glaring errors (in no particular order):

Flick (the black FBI agent/double agent/triple agent or something) recognised the gun waved in his face, and the scope as an "Acog" - when it was clearly an EO-Tech. The Acog is distinctive, rather nicer aesthetically-wise, as it is almost conical with straight lines, whereas the EO-Tech is a nasty cyclindrical peice of chuff.

I even commented on this one; when they're shooting in the boathouse, the guy grabs a dead hench's gun, only to discover the unused gun empty. What kind of guard goes around with an empty magazine in his gun?!

In the beginning of the hostage scene, the hostage's gag is round his neck. In the next moment, it's in his mouth all by itself.

Flick's beard keeps changing length near the end of the movie.

Talking of Flick, his deal starts off in very dark (one assumes early morning). All of a sudden when they're beating him about, it's bright daylight. You'd assume it was because he's being beaten later on - but no, they take him back to seal the deal, as if only a few minutes were rolling by. I'm a bit puzzled by the insta-dawn - this film's set in Canada, not the North Pole.

My personal favourite unfeasability was when Dillon (the hired gun - or "sniper") killed Flick. As his gun was empty, he pulled it off his shoulder, holding the stock horizontally and pulling back the strap. He then popped a stick (that he sharpened with a rock. Seriously, I'm not making this sh*t up...) through the trigger loop, pulled the strap back and shot Flick through the heart. I would like to point out how stupid it would be to have elasticated gun straps - imagine, yon soldier swings it round his shoulder, pulls forwards to shoot - and the elastic snaps it back into his face. Clever.

If I missed any glitches, I apologise - I didn't set out fail-hunting, I just couldn't help noticing them. With a sigh, my rant is over, summarising with "inconsistent and unimaginative." Worth watching, purely for fail value. Warning: your 89 minutes of wasted life are non-refundable.

So yes, the entire movie was about as smart as this goat:



Related Quote of the Day: "It was like a bad porn movie but without all the sex and nudity." - Noxidm, IMDB reviewer.

Thursday 19 February 2009

Corrections, Curses, Coins and Cheesecake...

Mum wants me to correct the comment on the antipsychotics - they're for other issues rather than just the fact that my family tend to be nuts. "I don't mind being called most things but I'm not psychotic - honest. Now I'm PARANOID." Mind you, talking of family madness, my uncle let me know he'd been reading my blogs. "You're as mad as I thought. Thank goodness." And then sent me a completely random picture of a cat he met, in Wiltshire, in November.

Actually, on the note of family, thanks Mum for encouraging me to buy lovely shoes and having a banter about boat sizes in relation to feet. The general consensus is Mum's are canoes and I have aircraft carriers. I had to send them back. You recall me saying I'd checked the sizes were right so carefully, size 8, Euro 42? Well, they sent both pairs in size 8 - but Euro 26. Kids shoes. I sigh, and ask for my money back as they don't have my size. G'dammit, how STUPID.

Mind you, if you think that's stupid, I discovered this week that stinginess comes down to a figure: seven pence. A lack of seven pence means you can't get a bus, even when you clearly can't walk any further. Ah well, my colleague made me laugh - when her boyfriend wasn't answering her calls, she left a message on the voicemail. A long, farty message, brought to a raspberry crescendo with a satisfied "oooh" at the end. Truly vulgar!

Quote of the Day: "Choose between me and cheesecake? I'd love to see you try to hug a cheesecake!" - Himself, point well made.

Wednesday 18 February 2009

Small Snails...

I learned something clever today. You go back home, it looks the same, smells the same, heck, it feels the same. It's then you realise that YOU'VE changed. Getting older is no bad thing - wasting time is. Sometimes you gotta be patient, but you don't get it back, remember that. You've got to forgive the past for what's happened, especially when it's nothing you could have done about, but even if you could have then, you didn't. So let it go.

That's my wisdom for the day: enjoy what you've got. Alright, so my house occasionally has mysterious holes in the wall, unidentifiable coloured carpets in some rooms, a window that slowly falls out and needs thumping back into place, a strange smell that sometimes creeps from somewhere in the kitchen and a bizarre avocado shade bath suite... but it's home. It's warm (sometimes), safe (all the time, sometimes you can't get OUT!) and comfortable (when the empty pizza boxes are put in the kitchen pile and not the sofa).

But I've done some things I never thought I would have - I've travelled to far away places (India, Malta, Lapland etc) and to nearby places (The Tate, Natural History Museum, London Aquarium etc); I've had a go at kayaking; dealing with siblings; abseiling; discovering my mother's on anti-psychotics. I've been a member of Neopets over 7.5 years; bought a huuuuge TV on a whim; coped with living 450 miles away from everyone/thing I know. I've tried about a million different jobs; had a go at high flying on the trapeze; ran a store on my own (for my boss at the time) and helped friends pick up the peices when they've screwed up. I'm adoring extraordinary pets and forgiving the odd bite; went to college a couple of years later than I should have; had my heart broken and came back to love a wonderful man...

You know what? I may be a very small snail in a very big world, but I never realised I did so much!

Sunday 15 February 2009

Starting the Scalies Society

Hurray, we've nearly got the homepage of http://www.scalies-society.co.uk up and ready - and my god the previews are looking GORGEOUS! We went for shades of green, but I didn't want any old boring background - so we've gone for something different: random backgrounds! We've loaded a variety of images to appear each time it's refreshed, revisited or reloaded. It's not done yet, so patience. My webmaster is working hard on this one and doing a grand job of it.

I'd love to hear from you folks out there as to what you'd like to see on www.scalies-society.co.uk. We'll be putting a forum on there, links to local suppliers and odd animal stories, but if there's anything you'd like to see on there, email me at indigo_blue_fish @ hotmail.co.uk OR Tsam @ scalies-society.co.uk OR Kyle @ scalies-society.co.uk - we look forwards to hearing from you.

Watch this space for the full release!

Saturday 14 February 2009

Happy Valentines!

Here's your online blogger Valentine's card:
Happy Valentines Your Lordship!



(Pic: Not sure - comment to leave ref. Thanks.)

Friday 13 February 2009

Friday 13th - Lucky for Shoes. Uh... I Mean, Some.

I'm chuffed to tell you that the Scooter Commuter's Nod is beginning to take off. Some of you may know there's a "cult" feel to owning a SmartCar: Smart owners recognise others by flicking up the index finger from the steering wheel. I've been working on a similar sort of idea, a sideways nod to other bikers - particularly the scooter commuters like myself. I've been trying this for a little while, and bikers are beginning to respond already, and I'm delighted I was the recipient of a Nod too. I have to admit, I was a bit surprised and returned it - yet I'm the one that started it! (I also got one off a Harley today - so the other scooters are clearly passing it on.)

I have bought some new shoes after great wisdom from my mother: "If you need new shoes, buy new shoes. Sell old shoes for new shoes." It went on like this for a while - v.funny! Doc Marten tried so hard to tempt me - sneaky Dr M had a pair of boots with my name on - literally! Sadly, I couldn't justify £75 for a pair of boots, so I passed this time, but I will remember them. Instead I bought some funky silver ones for £20, and some nice sturdy boots for work. I have to admit, the postage is VERY good, £4 for BOTH pairs combined. I was almost tempted to buy more, but I did very well. Oh wow, they've got some named after my brother too - check out those flamin' shoes! They come in black too.

"Ooh! I received a message from God!" - His Lordship, having renamed his mobile's bluetooth some while back, and forgotten.

Thursday 12 February 2009

Oh No. Ho Bo! So?

Today was another of those extraordinary work days where everything seems to deliberately go out of the way to try you. Thankfully, we didn't get locked out this week. We'd even managed to get the right sets of keys this week. Except someone had taken the TAN key and put it on the spare bottom set. Let me explain: the TAN key allows you to get into a little storage box which keeps all the other keys you need for the day, like the one for the office, the one for the wooden door on the safe, the one for your drawer where you put the till - pretty much all the keys you need. And thus, we were thwarted for the lack of ONE key. From there, tills went wrong, balances were lopsided - by the time I got home, I couldn't even concentrate to read any more. (Pic: pixdaus.com)

I had to laugh though, it doesn't matter if I have a bad day, I'm lucky enough to have some wonderful people around to make me laugh. Today Mum went through the alley in her village as a shortcut home, and got flashed by a crusty old hobo. Instead of getting flustered or angry, she just clicked her fingers and said "Bugger! That reminds me - I forgot to buy macaroni." I'm delighted to say she's currently enjoying macaroni cheese and wondering "Why are men so proud of their little noodles?"

Quote of the Day: "Luposlipaphobia: The fear of being pursued by timber wolves around a kitchen table while wearing socks on a newly-waxed floor." - A fictional phobia created by Gary Larson, author of Far Side comics.

Saturday 7 February 2009

Murphy, Motorbikes and Mr Muscle

It snowed! Snowed thick and beautiful - what a glorious blanket we have here. His Lordship is amazed, apparently they've not had proper snow down here for years. Next door's roof looks like a lovely alpine mountain, glittering in the bright winter sunlight. In fact, the neighbours were clearing the snow off their car, dad and one of the sons, when dad scooped a big armful off the side and all over the poor boy! Alright, it was brief, but it was pretty and enough to snow people in! The rhubarb will be good this year if it keeps getting so cold. (Pic: down our normally very busy road. Eerily quiet and beautifully white...)

Oh no. Now I'm really not a happy bunny. They've replaced the Mr Muscle guy with some animated science superhero. But I always preferred the geeky little guy, he always showed that even the most useless of us could do it. Oh well, I don't recon the new one will last as many years as the old one. (Pic: clicky for bigger - the snow on the bushes overhanging the garden.)

Murphy's Law hit me all over again. I recieved one of these "nice little" chain mails - but this time I appreciated some of the sensible comments it made: "smile when you answer the phone - you might not think it, but people really CAN hear it" and that sort 0f thing. So this time, I read the whole thing. The ususal send to so many people yadayada - "Within the next 6 minutes. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired!" Fair enough, heard it all before. Yawned at that bit and sent it on anyway (see previous comment on sensible) having BCC'd it.

After, I thought I better give this hire bike a quick try (Mine went over 1k miles some days ago and needed a look over) to get used to it. I thought I'd take it to the supermarket and top up the fuel. I pulled the little bike out of the garage, hopped on, started it. (It's LIKE a Suzuki Access in the pic - but even Google doesn't know much about TGIB Sport, unless you're looking for "Thank God It's Beer".) It made a funny noise. I tried again, wondering if it worked a bit differently to my lovely little Lead. It made another funny noise but started - took me to the top of the drive, coughed pitifully and died. They delivered it without fuel! I came back in to find I had received the email back from my uncle who asked if it helped. Apparently not.

"I'll just put the drill on 'Silent Mode' then- they come with silencers now doncha know!" - Our electrician.