Monday 27 February 2012

Trouser Trouble

ARGH!

I deliberately bought three pairs of IDENTICAL trousers because I finally found a pair that fit.

For those of you that don't know, I'm very tall. Regularly described as "the big girl", or more politely "the Amazonian", I stack in at very slightly shy of six foot tall. Finding trousers is somewhat of a trial for me, because most shops  have stopped doing "tall" or "long" styles - choosing to snip the legs off at a measly 31" to save money and material.

(My mother does not have this problem. At 4' 11" and three quarters she has no trouble with things being too short. I must never remember the "three quarters", but I do have to tolerate a lot of jibes about the size of my shoes and their relative similarity to seafaring vehicles.)

Anyway, so I found some good, navy work trousers in the right size - I need them for work. The first pair are perfect, I wore them happily for work, very comfortable then put them in the wash.

This morning I pulled on second pair, which are supposed to be identical to the first - same line, same batch, same shop... but I can't get them to fasten. I'm now worried - they're a LONG was from fastening.

Worried, as I'm now running a bit late, I drag them off, lob them on the chair and hoik on the third, matching, navy blue bought-from-the-same-shop-in-the-same-style pair. And find the same problem. They're about two sizes too small. Crap.

So I went to work wearing the first pair, still wet from the washing machine. Wonderful.

In other news, the picket line crumbled - the blueberries finally got to Sandy. Once she'd given in, the rest rolled their eyes and figured there was no point letting good dinner go to waste.


Update: Apparently this trouser-problem is happening a lot at the store in question - they're getting a lot of returns. I responded "Well, that's just fine and dandy, but what am I to do for work trousers? There's no way in hell I'm a twenty and I'm not buying bloody twenties just because your damn manufacturer can't be consistent. I have my pride! I'm fat, but not THAT fat thank-you-very-bloody-much!"

She advised me to go to Tesco instead. They have good trousers there and are the right sizes. Great...

Thursday 23 February 2012

Back in the Bank

Good news! I'm back at work - thus the delay in active posting.

My SRN (Salary Reference Number) is now back online according to Human Resources automated line -my software still needs rebuilding, but at least I am officially earning as of 08:45 each morning.

Hopefully they won't bugger up my core programme this time - it'll be a shock if I get all my processes back within the first three weeks. Every time they switch my sector, I lose a lot of my peripheral utilities and it's a nuisance getting everything reset. Crumbs - I sound like a proper cog in the machine. Get me, the Banker Cyborg...

 But now the dragons are punishing me for being a Bad Lizard Mummy and abandoning them all day. None of them want their dinners because I served it at the wrong time. Ayammasorrie! I has work... You know that, it always used to be this way...

Mind you, one of the picket line looks like she might break away and go crazy very soon - those blueberries I left on top of her salad are looking tastier by the minute.

All glossy and black and juicy... Mmmmm...,

Tuesday 21 February 2012

Lazarus, Phoenix and Immortal

Well, it certainly isn't something that happens all the time - but just occasionally a genuine miracle in the natural world occurs. Here's three of my favourites:

The critically endangered La Palma Giant Lizard (Gallotia auaritae) was thought to have been extinct for over 500 years, until it was rediscovered in 2007.

A researcher at the Instituto de Investigación en Recursos Cinegéticos (IREC), Luis Enrique Minguez, happened to take this photograph whilst out hiking, and was delighted when the research team finally worked out what it was.

In a twist of irony IREC are a Spanish research institution studying the effect of human hunting on biodiversity... Which is one of the presumed causes of the La Palma extinction. Two other "presumed extinct" species were also rediscovered on the Canary Islands, the El Hierro Giant Lizard (1974) and La Gomera Giant Lizards (1996).

Now, the Turritopsis Nutricula isn't strictly a "Lazarus" species, but it does deserve some attention all the same. As it is nicknamed "The Immortal Jellyfish", that tells you mostly why this particular animal is so extraordinary...

It quite literally defies all laws of nature and is the only animal (so far) to carry of the neat trick of being genuinely immortal, by means of a neat trick called "transdifferentiation".

Most jellies die after breeding, but when Nutricula gets old it returns to polyp state - it can breed as an adult jelly, or divide into a collection of polyps. This means it gets to cheat death and start all over again!

Scientific studies show that 100% of the jellies have this ability for perpetual biological immortality - but sadly this doesn't save them from being a yummy snack for fish...

Ah well, win some, lose some.

My final entry is the Silene stenophylla. Whilst Narrow-Leafed Campions aren't exactly rare, this particular example is pretty unusual...

This particular flower was grown when a team of research scientists dug up some fruit that had been buried by a squirrel or gopher in the banks of the Kolyma River, Siberia. What had happened was the squirrel’s burrow had frozen... then fossilised in the permafrost. Yes - by the time they were found and defrosted by scientists, the fruits had been buried to a depth of 38 metres and frozen for around 31,800 years.

At subzero temperatures, their chemical reactions slowed to a crawl: Extreme age was no longer a problem. The team carefully nurtured the results and grew these remarkable regenerated plants - they rose like wintry Phoenixes from the Russian ice to surpass all past record-holders for plants grown from ancient seeds... By about thirty thousand years!

Read more HERE.

Monday 20 February 2012

Foliage - Fantastic - Plastic

I happened to drop into Dunelm Mill's soft furnishing store on the way to Tesco today, and discovered that they're selling some great fake leaves! I couldn't resist the chance to improve Terry's rather bald looking vivarium - well, at least until the rest of the plants start catching up and filling the space out a bit more. Mind you, I'm pleased to say that both the new ferns are really taking off, spindling up swirly cute fronds (you can see them where the white labels are), and that I've finally got my full dual lighting rig completed.

Anyway, I got three of these big foam based plastic banana leaves and two sets of the rubber frondy things that I've put over his waterfall - they'll provide a little more cover and places for him to hide and explore.



I'm also sketching up some ideas for a new bed for him - I'm thinking of suspending a couple of hollowed, hairy coconut shells with some stainless steel chain. It'll give him a challenge and somewhere nice and secluded to sleep during the day.

Friday 17 February 2012

Heaven on Earth?

Writing up about my ideal place in life got me to thinking about my actual favourite places. I think I have one true favourite though... There's a nature reserve in Lincolnshire called Rimac. That's wonderful in itself (and a good walk), but there's a particular little place I can find with my eyes shut.

If you head out over the dunes in just the right direction, you go through a little clearance that's FILLED with butterflies, bees and dragonflies - slightly further and there's a steep little cliff. Sit in there, and the world is silent.

The face of the cliff catches the sun and warms it, the grasses and wildflowers and sand gives off a unique, dry scent - you can almost go deaf trying to hear what isn't there. If you pay close attention in the middle of the day, you can pick out the silky slither of sand lizards swimming through the reeds, the wide variety of buzzes, purrs and rattles that make the "voice" of each insect species and, just occasionally, the faint, sharp skree of a predatory bird that sends a shiver down your soul...

Come the evening in the right season, the dunes turn into a cacophonous orchestra of noisy, boisterous Natterjack Toads. (You can hear them from miles away!) They sound like guiro - those wooden, ridged musical instruments you play by running the stick along the ripples. Click HERE to hear for yourself.

To me, it's one of the finest gifts the world has to give. What about you? Where is your slice of Heaven?

Picture taken by Don Tiffney

Wednesday 15 February 2012

One can always dream.

Today I'm off in daydreams of my perfect place in life.

Picture this: Quiet, late summer afternoons, golden sunshine at an obtuse angle through the window; the musty, dry smell of hundreds of books tempered by the sharp, woody smell of good coffee, the soft scritch as a dragon shuffles and gets comfy on the cushion on the windowsill under the custom lamp. The reassuring weight and cashmere feel of a well loved book a delightful contrast to the initial cool smoothness of a worn leather chair, padding deep enough to hug and arms broad enough to chuck your knees over...

Or a crisp, frosty day, ice creeping up the window, the chill fended off by a softly crackling wood stove, the dull, comforting scent of the fire mingling with the sweet vanilla aroma of hot chocolate and the smell of old leather bindings. The feeling of curling up in a soft, high wingback chair, feet up on a small table besides a warm china cup filled with silky smooth cocoa and cream, sweet without the bitter tang of cheap chocolate - this is fine, thick melted luxury.

Perhaps a blustery wet morning, the old metal 50s radiator under the windowsill gently tinging as it heats; the damp, petrichor tang of wellies leaning by the door leaving mucky marks on the frame varnish, the smell bold against the muted scent of Breakfast Tea and bright, sweet orange juice. Small children quietly parked on beanbags, the murmur of a talented reader perched in the wingback, like storytellers of old, captivating young minds and rediscovering many tread paths through fresh eyes... 

Ah, for there is a whole heaven waiting to be caught up and swept into a reality. To sleep, perchance to dream. (Hamlet - III, i, 65-68)
One day. One day...  

Tuesday 14 February 2012

Happy Valentines!?

Valentines gifts are a peculiar thing - it's nice to get them, absolutely. Heck, who doesn't enjoy receiving gifts during courtship?

Even the animal kingdom understands the concept of giving gifts in return for favours.

The Rhamphomyia sulcata fly is a great example - the boys usually bestow females with nutritious food gifts, such as big, juicy bugs, before mating. If the male forgets to give the female a present, she will literally shoo him away.

But lately, scientists have discovered something odd: flies can be rats.

I don't mean literally a species swap, I mean some males are cheapskates and cheats. The males can woo their intendeds with worthless, fake love tokens - even getting as clever as gifting her with empty packages wrapped up with layers of silk. Heydon explains: "By the time the female finishes unwrapping her gift and discovers that it is empty, the male has already mated with her." The poor girl realizes her lover is a cheapskate and beats him off with her wings - and he leaves with his faux present to find another partner.

That's right, the cheeky sod takes his present to reuse! I've heard of recycling giftwrap, but that's a... rather literal interpretation.

Friday 10 February 2012

Warning: Contains /RELIGION/

My Uncle kindly corrected my spelling on "Jehovah" earlier - my typometer missed it, and it got me to thinking. Most people get MY religion wrong too, as it sounds similar to another - for those of you that don't know, Himself and I are Pastafarians. And yes, that's spelt with a P. Pastafarians are followers of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - and yes, I'm being quite genuine.

FSMism is a semi-satirical, semi-serious religion based mostly on common sense, having been initiated by a letter written in disgust to Kansas State regarding "Intelligent Design" being taught in schools. (Particularly some of the American schools that were trying to do away with Darwinism and teach purely ID.)

I can tell you that Heaven has many wonderful things, including a beer volcano and a stripper factory - with alternatives available to personal choice. You don't have to schlep to church, but Fridays are a holy holiday and the traditional garb is motley. Yes, you heard that right - the FSM thinks the pirate look is cool. :)

We have accepted that whilst our creator is everywhere... well... he's a bit thick really. And suffers hangovers like the rest of us. (It explains platypi after all.) But he does have a good grip on gravity. We are held from flying off the planet by His Noodly Appendages - which explains why people are getting taller over time: there are lots more people, and as a result his Noodly Appendages are having to cover more folks.

Better yet, we have very little dogma (in fact, the dogma is that there IS NO dogma!) and rather than Ten Commandments (which sounds very stern!) we have "The Eight I Really Rather You Didn'ts."

These are said to be the word of our Noodly Saviour:

1)I'd really rather you didn't act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don't believe in me, that's okay. Really, I'm not that vain. Besides, this isn't about them so don't change the subject.

2)I'd really rather you didn't use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don't require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.

3)I'd really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, Okay? Oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. Samey = Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we're talking about fashion and I'm sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.

4)I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is go f*** yourself, unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.

5)I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the b*****.

6)I'd really rather you didn't build multi million-dollar churches/temples/mosques/shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
Ending poverty
Curing diseases
Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable
(I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.)

7)I'd really rather you didn't go around telling people I talk to you. You're not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can't you take a hint?

8)I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/Las Vegas. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it's a piece of rubber. If I didn't want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.

So, um, yeah. Pastafarianism is a bit odd - but we're NICE. It says to be in the "I Really Rather You Didn'ts". No one has started a war over our beliefs, and no one has died for them - that's more than other religions can say.

If you'd like to join us, that's cool. If you don't like it after 30 days, most religions will let you return to your original beliefs. If you don't want to, no worries, that's cool too.

But I hope you can take away some of our ideals.

It makes the world a nicer place.

Tastier too.
RAmen.

Monday 6 February 2012

Spam Spam SPAM!

I LOVE spam. I love cold callers, Jehovah's witnesses, junk mail, door-to-doors, random messages and simply ridiculous posts. I saw a simply classic effort on SofaScientist today:

"This article will play you some tips when using the internet to vikingman dating in florida friendfinder!
Dating is like anything else, if you are not oven-ready it shows and that is the pattern affair you want. So lets sick with down to the tips of Matured Dating Online Help's.

Myriad are anxious back pronouncement a rendezvous with the commandeer of the internet. The gold medal ease you exploit a Matured Dating Online Service it can be a speck brazenness wracking, but relax it is not difficult. Being nervous is a sound and adult sex dating in riverdale nebraska - average retaliation, this shows that you are earnest and a physical person.

You need to manipulate emotions or else you may not ever be expert to find love. So modulate, receipts a fervent hint and log into the Adult Dating Online Service."

Well, I just had to reply: "If you are not oven-ready it shows"?!? Well, I'm "sick with down to the tips" when I see this mangle of the English language! I'd do something about it, but I think I might be a bit "speck brazenness wracking" when it comes to challenging spammers - or is that an "average retaliation"?

 Modulate your actions people!

Friday 3 February 2012

Fine line between Terrarist and Terrorist...



According to this document released by the FBI under the oxymoron "Public Intelligence", if this household were in the US and happened to be using the internet in a public area, we would be quickly classified as terrorists to a paranoid observer.

Some samples I'd like to highlight:

"Purchase chemicals, acids, hydrogen peroxide, acetone, fertilizer, etc"

Um, I use the internet order chemicals to test water quality (among other tests) which often include caustic ingredients. I also order hair dye which often contains hydrogen peroxide, beauty products such as nail varnish remover (acetone) and fertilizers for my vivariums like baby bio, natural earth etc... 

"Download information about timers... and electronics"

Eep. I use timers to control my lighting and water pumps and I regularly consult electronics manuals for help with rebuilds and making new equipment like my latest Dulux F Osram lighting kit... 

 "Suspicious or coded writing..."

 טאַקע ניט, איך בין טייפּינג אין עפּעס ניט רעקאַגנייזאַבאַל ווי ענגליש! איך מוזן זיין אַ טעראָריסט אויך!

"Communications using VOIP or communicating through a PC game"

OMG! My partner and friends must be TERRORISTS! THEY communicate with Voip AND in game systems!

So, as a female terrarist/potential terrorist, I guess I'll just have to stick to doing this sort of thing at home. Oh, but they're using data tracking there too. Umm... *cough* 1984 *cough*

Wednesday 1 February 2012

Supposed to be a sad day?

That's not how he'd want it!

Grandad Ken's service went beautifully - and, dare I say, the wake was actually a lot of fun - and a great chance for some light-hearted mischief! Auntie Fiona (Auntie Oh-no) has OCD, like much of the family... So... We muddled things up a bit.

Cousin Toir and I swapped pictures and clocks and we all pitched in to swap round ornaments, whip the basket of flowers on top of the drinks cabinet and Auntie Su made the stuffed toys do obscene things. My mother managed to filch the spaghetti and coffee jars from under Auntie Fiona's nose and sneak them into the living room. We rearranged photos, snuck pebbles left, right and centre, switched vases and ornamental plates, tucked the metallic red ceramic pear into an arrangement of roses and my brother got... creative with a candle holder.

My brother came up with this muffins and ceramic apple idea. He also hid another couple of mini-muffins in the BIG basket of round rocks. It was originally on the telly - I swapped it with the red bowl on the hearth stone. It did have ornamental stone eggs perched in each candle holder. I took larger eggs off stands to put the little ones from the candle holder in their place, and hid the larger ones in the now-empty basket of pebbles.

And then my stepdad moved the rocking chair, which meant Mum and I simply had to grab the sofa and switch places with the coffee table (moved by Rich and my brother).Nana even tucked a cheese scone into Rich's suit-jacket pocket - and I got the blame!

Grandad would either be proud, or despairing and trying not to laugh.

(I wonder if Auntie Fiona found the silver pebble yet?  I perched it on top of the big mirror - she'll have helluva job getting it down again, as I'm the tallest of us!)

UPDATE 19:46 01/02/12 - I just flipped over to his obituary notice on the web, and I saw this: "This notice has had 180 visitors!" - If you ask me, that also says a lot about how much EVERYONE loves him. To quote my brother and sister, we'll miss you and your big grin very much and we will always love you and remember you as the inspirational man that you were.