Friday, 10 February 2012

Warning: Contains /RELIGION/

My Uncle kindly corrected my spelling on "Jehovah" earlier - my typometer missed it, and it got me to thinking. Most people get MY religion wrong too, as it sounds similar to another - for those of you that don't know, Himself and I are Pastafarians. And yes, that's spelt with a P. Pastafarians are followers of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - and yes, I'm being quite genuine.

FSMism is a semi-satirical, semi-serious religion based mostly on common sense, having been initiated by a letter written in disgust to Kansas State regarding "Intelligent Design" being taught in schools. (Particularly some of the American schools that were trying to do away with Darwinism and teach purely ID.)

I can tell you that Heaven has many wonderful things, including a beer volcano and a stripper factory - with alternatives available to personal choice. You don't have to schlep to church, but Fridays are a holy holiday and the traditional garb is motley. Yes, you heard that right - the FSM thinks the pirate look is cool. :)

We have accepted that whilst our creator is everywhere... well... he's a bit thick really. And suffers hangovers like the rest of us. (It explains platypi after all.) But he does have a good grip on gravity. We are held from flying off the planet by His Noodly Appendages - which explains why people are getting taller over time: there are lots more people, and as a result his Noodly Appendages are having to cover more folks.

Better yet, we have very little dogma (in fact, the dogma is that there IS NO dogma!) and rather than Ten Commandments (which sounds very stern!) we have "The Eight I Really Rather You Didn'ts."

These are said to be the word of our Noodly Saviour:

1)I'd really rather you didn't act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don't believe in me, that's okay. Really, I'm not that vain. Besides, this isn't about them so don't change the subject.

2)I'd really rather you didn't use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don't require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.

3)I'd really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, Okay? Oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. Samey = Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we're talking about fashion and I'm sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.

4)I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is go f*** yourself, unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.

5)I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the b*****.

6)I'd really rather you didn't build multi million-dollar churches/temples/mosques/shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
Ending poverty
Curing diseases
Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable
(I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.)

7)I'd really rather you didn't go around telling people I talk to you. You're not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can't you take a hint?

8)I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/Las Vegas. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it's a piece of rubber. If I didn't want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.

So, um, yeah. Pastafarianism is a bit odd - but we're NICE. It says to be in the "I Really Rather You Didn'ts". No one has started a war over our beliefs, and no one has died for them - that's more than other religions can say.

If you'd like to join us, that's cool. If you don't like it after 30 days, most religions will let you return to your original beliefs. If you don't want to, no worries, that's cool too.

But I hope you can take away some of our ideals.

It makes the world a nicer place.

Tastier too.

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