Cadbury's Creme Crap

So far this week:
I have made my knee funny by jumping up too fast and falling over.
I have stepped on a VERY large thorn that peirced through my shoe and went deep into my foot.
Stepped down with the other foot out of the shed, misjudged it and gave myself a lump when my head made contact with the doorframe.
I had to put my bike on the floor instead of dropping it, as the front tyre caught on the ledge and my foot meant I couldn't catch it. (No damage thankfully.)
And to top it off, I leaned down the side of the bed to pick up an elastic band - the pillow supporting my elbow slipped and I fell forward, smacking my head on the wardrobe.
All I could do was laugh...

The Cadbury's Creme Egg Icecream, pilfered from a box that mysteriously appeared on our freezer shelf.... It looks a lot like a smaller Magnum, so automatically I expected something a lot like a smaller Magnum with a sweeter, syrupy, less vanilla flavour. The box is deeply alluring and I have to say it looks GOOOOOO-D. Sadly, it's not. Not at all. It's a bizarre consistency, almost marshmellowy and quite dry (although this might be due to our freezer - the outside of the icethings was covered in an odd, yellow and sweet frozen liquid which seems to have leached out of the icething itself). The chocolate covering is thin and poor quality; nothing like the solid CRUNCH from the Magnum or for that matter from a proper Creme Egg. Quite a disappointment. And so, I discovered that biting His Lordship's furry backside tastes much nicer (if hairier). Which is worrying, to have to go to such extremes to rid ones mouth of fake ice cream flavour. To paraphrase the advert: Goo-ing, Goo-ing, Gone - to be sick. YURK.

Bobbity-Bob

The Chinese National Circus has been postponed, so we can't go for two months, but that's ok as I still have to work on Saturday and no-one's told me when I'll get the day back (see last bloggage). This is worrying, because we simply don't have enough staff to cover anything much; days, sickness, holidays... The inspectors are still prowling round and several staff are unavailable, so our resources are very, very thin. There are already some concerns that we may have to temporarily close my small branch on a couple of days due to lack of staff. I know we were supposed to be cutting back, but quite frankly, this is ridiculous! How can we be expected to maintain quality service with such uneven staffing and uncertain prospects? But enough ranting.

The Dragons are beginning to improve alongside the weather - the finer the weather, the more interesting the lizard. Whilst not appreciated, the fresh dandelions are also proving to be good, as they're both more active. Tsam is now a master of the Stairs (much bobbiting) and Kyle has worked up enough guts to be territorial back at him. She's just started a brave headbob at Tsam, with a smudgy black beard. He goes absolutely nuts - but she's winning at last!

I was watching "Chris Ryan's Elite Police" today. I can't say I'd recommend it, but He's enjoying it. I can however summarise it beautifully: It's like a presenter fed a serious pill and a case of the obviouses; the camera man is high on ketamines, waving around a shiny new toy that he's excited about (the camera), attempting to film a cross between the weather announcement and a nature show... with some guns.

It seems this gym is working! I've lost 6lbs already, though it's half-killing me some days. They are quite brilliant at Goldenstones, however they do push you hard. 8 minutes on the crosstrainer is enough to make me want to quit, but I've worked it up to 15 like they wanted, in fact I did 20 the other day. It strikes me as odd that I work my ass off to get paid, and then use that money to work my ass off, but there you go.

"Spring is what winta, always gozinta" - Ogden Nash's doggerel

Finally the worst of the weather is over and I've just started the new spring's gardening. I put up my little greenhouse and I've planted some cayenne and red bull chilis as well as some worldbeater bell peppers and some dwarf lavenders. My rosemary, lavender, chive, two types of mints and two types of thyme have shot back up. Also the raspberries, gooseberries and rhubarb are leafing enthusiastically, and I have to start planting my radish, onion and lettuce soon... The front lawn dandelions are lush and bright, providing yummy Dragon Salads!

I've moved some of the smaller new raspberry stalks to more convenient locations in the patch and added a nice little plot of strawberry plants. The rhubarb is already delicious - it was a little out of hand already so I put a couple of the more ungainly stalks into a mixed fruits crumble. The passionflower has been shifted and has survived the first couple of days! Ooh, I've also begun planting my next hanging baskets with lobelia as last year's fuschia is beginning to sprout.

Still lots to do, but the garden is starting to look good - the lawn has been combed free from mosses, the entire back border weeded and raked. (Images: Pixdaus - Rachid Hankour and Unknown)

Tough Targets?

My list of things to do, in roughly this order:

Buy some new work/everyday shoes

Get a beanbag

Put a white suite in the bathroom (or at least repaint and replace the flooring with pine and green mats, to tone down the fruitbowl theme.)

Get a nice kitchen with a solid stone-like worksurface in bold colours (or fix up and paint the cupboards/fix floor to look newish)

See either Madagascar or New Zealand (or Holland at least...)
Get a leaner figure and do a photoshoot! (Well, maybe not the photoshoot...)

Do my bedroom in red and oak panel with bookshelves full of literature and curios (or just collect some curios for now. Ideas accepted. Curios not, until I've seen them.)

See more live shows/plays/go to the Albert Theater

Have a lift in a Bentley Flying Spur (No, a Yaris won't cut it.)

Get paid more than I currently do, preferably for something I enjoy. (So I can get nice things/better versions.)

Get an Acer One (Linux version) for it's pocketability (see above)

Own a Black-throat monitor (or funky up the lizard tanks a bit more!)

But y'know what? I'm good for now. (-Ish.)

Brrr? No, Grrrr.

It's been a busy couple of weeks I'm afraid - work has been extremely short of staff, so I've been working extra time and giving up my days off to cover. I'm most annoyed, having discovered that my day offs have essentially been given out - instead of alleviating the staffing issue. In fact, I'm even more annoyed, as when my only colleague had to go to the hospital to have an infected wisdom tooth removed in emergency surgery, we were told that "she may as well come to work and cry in pain rather than sit at home and cry in pain."

Also, a very good friend of mine has just been diagnosed with lung cancer - but what struck me most odd is that they've been giving up smoking for years, on off on off. I went round to visit and the house is completely free of cigarette smoke. It's a terrible shame something like cancer had to strike before actually doing it. Don't get me wrong, I'm aware it's a tough habit to break - but it's sad they've been able to stop so suddenly after this news. One can only wonder, if they had just stopped the first time...

His Lordship is still fighting with His bankruptcy and nothing concrete is being said. Ditto with the work - I grabbed a copy of the local paper to flick through for jobs and discovered the entire two pages of jobs contained a grand total of three jobs and lots and lots of adverts. We had a nurse, a teacher and a field salesperson. The sales job never responded...

So yes, I'm generally cheesed off. At least it's not snowed for a bit.

Quote of the Week: "I had 5p stuck up my nose and I liked it." - My colleague. The best bit is we both work in banks...

Wut?!

I'm not sure I like doing Tesco online shopping any more. Alright, so yes, it's a bit like Christmas time, when one of my loving grandparents sends me some very odd gifts (I have a rather interesting papier mache frog in Victorian flowers pattern in the downstairs bathroom...) - but it's not super practical. I'm not sure why, but I received five (yes, five) two litre bottles of lemonade, two different brands, both wrong. I'm most puzzled.

Weather here has actually nudged into the greenhouse style too - as I mentioned, the lizards were chuffed to be able to window bathe, He and I went out and decimated the front garden. There's a pile about five feet tall, slowly drying out up the side of the house to be burnt. I ripped out a tree that wasn't supposed to be there, He took after all the hedges. The lavender had it's base truly kicked and the hydrangea has been pounded into submission too. But, like yourself, I've also overdone it and eesh do I ache now! It hurts to laugh!

But, it's making learning the machines at the gym I've just signed up to fun! I've had a go on a few of the overgrown toys there. The best one is the "Crosstrainer" - I see where it gets the name from - you train on it and you get cross with it! You expect a sort of stair-climbing motion, but no, you lean BACK and sort of wiggle your bum. It's very like ice skating.

Quote of the Day: Woman sat in movie bar, trying out 3D glasses: "Doesn't look much different with these on." Partner responds: "Well, everything's already IN 3D, isn't it?"

Hell in a Handbasket?

It's not a good week. All is slowly going to hell in a hand basket.

My bike is costing more than I thought it would be, so finance is going to be very tight; I've hit the credit card to cover for it and put off my holiday. My concentration is shot so my till doesn't balance at work and I can't even escape into my books due to lack of focus. My sister's having teeth out and Mum's biopsy came back uncertain, so she's got to do it again. His Lordship's Mum's in hospital with pneumonia and my lift to work failed as the gearbox fell out earlier. There's still an ugly hole in my bathroom wall and the freezer still doesn't work properly. My new website keeps falling offline for no good reason and worst of all, Mum's discovered she can't eat baked beans any more!

Thankfully I have a mandarin cheesecake and Himself. Cheesecake is one of my greatest cures for the blues and cheesecake brings good luck. With cheesecake (and Him to slice it), I know things will get better.

Sharpshooter? More Like Dumb Bullet.

It was so bad, it gave me hiccups. You realise of course I was talking about the movie "Sharpshooter". Or rather "Shahurkpshoohurkter". You'll be pleased to know it was so great, it went straight to TV, never even making the big screen. Just my big screen, to my misfortune.

We noticed some glaring errors (in no particular order):

Flick (the black FBI agent/double agent/triple agent or something) recognised the gun waved in his face, and the scope as an "Acog" - when it was clearly an EO-Tech. The Acog is distinctive, rather nicer aesthetically-wise, as it is almost conical with straight lines, whereas the EO-Tech is a nasty cyclindrical peice of chuff.

I even commented on this one; when they're shooting in the boathouse, the guy grabs a dead hench's gun, only to discover the unused gun empty. What kind of guard goes around with an empty magazine in his gun?!

In the beginning of the hostage scene, the hostage's gag is round his neck. In the next moment, it's in his mouth all by itself.

Flick's beard keeps changing length near the end of the movie.

Talking of Flick, his deal starts off in very dark (one assumes early morning). All of a sudden when they're beating him about, it's bright daylight. You'd assume it was because he's being beaten later on - but no, they take him back to seal the deal, as if only a few minutes were rolling by. I'm a bit puzzled by the insta-dawn - this film's set in Canada, not the North Pole.

My personal favourite unfeasability was when Dillon (the hired gun - or "sniper") killed Flick. As his gun was empty, he pulled it off his shoulder, holding the stock horizontally and pulling back the strap. He then popped a stick (that he sharpened with a rock. Seriously, I'm not making this sh*t up...) through the trigger loop, pulled the strap back and shot Flick through the heart. I would like to point out how stupid it would be to have elasticated gun straps - imagine, yon soldier swings it round his shoulder, pulls forwards to shoot - and the elastic snaps it back into his face. Clever.

If I missed any glitches, I apologise - I didn't set out fail-hunting, I just couldn't help noticing them. With a sigh, my rant is over, summarising with "inconsistent and unimaginative." Worth watching, purely for fail value. Warning: your 89 minutes of wasted life are non-refundable.

So yes, the entire movie was about as smart as this goat:



Related Quote of the Day: "It was like a bad porn movie but without all the sex and nudity." - Noxidm, IMDB reviewer.

Corrections, Curses, Coins and Cheesecake...

Mum wants me to correct the comment on the antipsychotics - they're for other issues rather than just the fact that my family tend to be nuts. "I don't mind being called most things but I'm not psychotic - honest. Now I'm PARANOID." Mind you, talking of family madness, my uncle let me know he'd been reading my blogs. "You're as mad as I thought. Thank goodness." And then sent me a completely random picture of a cat he met, in Wiltshire, in November.

Actually, on the note of family, thanks Mum for encouraging me to buy lovely shoes and having a banter about boat sizes in relation to feet. The general consensus is Mum's are canoes and I have aircraft carriers. I had to send them back. You recall me saying I'd checked the sizes were right so carefully, size 8, Euro 42? Well, they sent both pairs in size 8 - but Euro 26. Kids shoes. I sigh, and ask for my money back as they don't have my size. G'dammit, how STUPID.

Mind you, if you think that's stupid, I discovered this week that stinginess comes down to a figure: seven pence. A lack of seven pence means you can't get a bus, even when you clearly can't walk any further. Ah well, my colleague made me laugh - when her boyfriend wasn't answering her calls, she left a message on the voicemail. A long, farty message, brought to a raspberry crescendo with a satisfied "oooh" at the end. Truly vulgar!

Quote of the Day: "Choose between me and cheesecake? I'd love to see you try to hug a cheesecake!" - Himself, point well made.

Small Snails...

I learned something clever today. You go back home, it looks the same, smells the same, heck, it feels the same. It's then you realise that YOU'VE changed. Getting older is no bad thing - wasting time is. Sometimes you gotta be patient, but you don't get it back, remember that. You've got to forgive the past for what's happened, especially when it's nothing you could have done about, but even if you could have then, you didn't. So let it go.

That's my wisdom for the day: enjoy what you've got. Alright, so my house occasionally has mysterious holes in the wall, unidentifiable coloured carpets in some rooms, a window that slowly falls out and needs thumping back into place, a strange smell that sometimes creeps from somewhere in the kitchen and a bizarre avocado shade bath suite... but it's home. It's warm (sometimes), safe (all the time, sometimes you can't get OUT!) and comfortable (when the empty pizza boxes are put in the kitchen pile and not the sofa).

But I've done some things I never thought I would have - I've travelled to far away places (India, Malta, Lapland etc) and to nearby places (The Tate, Natural History Museum, London Aquarium etc); I've had a go at kayaking; dealing with siblings; abseiling; discovering my mother's on anti-psychotics. I've been a member of Neopets over 7.5 years; bought a huuuuge TV on a whim; coped with living 450 miles away from everyone/thing I know. I've tried about a million different jobs; had a go at high flying on the trapeze; ran a store on my own (for my boss at the time) and helped friends pick up the peices when they've screwed up. I'm adoring extraordinary pets and forgiving the odd bite; went to college a couple of years later than I should have; had my heart broken and came back to love a wonderful man...

You know what? I may be a very small snail in a very big world, but I never realised I did so much!

Starting the Scalies Society

Hurray, we've nearly got the homepage of http://www.scalies-society.co.uk up and ready - and my god the previews are looking GORGEOUS! We went for shades of green, but I didn't want any old boring background - so we've gone for something different: random backgrounds! We've loaded a variety of images to appear each time it's refreshed, revisited or reloaded. It's not done yet, so patience. My webmaster is working hard on this one and doing a grand job of it.

I'd love to hear from you folks out there as to what you'd like to see on www.scalies-society.co.uk. We'll be putting a forum on there, links to local suppliers and odd animal stories, but if there's anything you'd like to see on there, email me at indigo_blue_fish @ hotmail.co.uk OR Tsam @ scalies-society.co.uk OR Kyle @ scalies-society.co.uk - we look forwards to hearing from you.

Watch this space for the full release!

Happy Valentines!

Here's your online blogger Valentine's card:
Happy Valentines Your Lordship!

(Pic: Not sure - comment to leave ref. Thanks.)

Friday 13th - Lucky for Shoes. Uh... I Mean, Some.

I'm chuffed to tell you that the Scooter Commuter's Nod is beginning to take off. Some of you may know there's a "cult" feel to owning a SmartCar: Smart owners recognise others by flicking up the index finger from the steering wheel. I've been working on a similar sort of idea, a sideways nod to other bikers - particularly the scooter commuters like myself. I've been trying this for a little while, and bikers are beginning to respond already, and I'm delighted I was the recipient of a Nod too. I have to admit, I was a bit surprised and returned it - yet I'm the one that started it! (I also got one off a Harley today - so the other scooters are clearly passing it on.)

I have bought some new shoes after great wisdom from my mother: "If you need new shoes, buy new shoes. Sell old shoes for new shoes." It went on like this for a while - v.funny! Doc Marten tried so hard to tempt me - sneaky Dr M had a pair of boots with my name on - literally! Sadly, I couldn't justify £75 for a pair of boots, so I passed this time, but I will remember them. Instead I bought some funky silver ones for £20, and some nice sturdy boots for work. I have to admit, the postage is VERY good, £4 for BOTH pairs combined. I was almost tempted to buy more, but I did very well. Oh wow, they've got some named after my brother too - check out those flamin' shoes! They come in black too.

"Ooh! I received a message from God!" - His Lordship, having renamed his mobile's bluetooth some while back, and forgotten.

Oh No. Ho Bo! So?

Today was another of those extraordinary work days where everything seems to deliberately go out of the way to try you. Thankfully, we didn't get locked out this week. We'd even managed to get the right sets of keys this week. Except someone had taken the TAN key and put it on the spare bottom set. Let me explain: the TAN key allows you to get into a little storage box which keeps all the other keys you need for the day, like the one for the office, the one for the wooden door on the safe, the one for your drawer where you put the till - pretty much all the keys you need. And thus, we were thwarted for the lack of ONE key. From there, tills went wrong, balances were lopsided - by the time I got home, I couldn't even concentrate to read any more. (Pic: pixdaus.com)

I had to laugh though, it doesn't matter if I have a bad day, I'm lucky enough to have some wonderful people around to make me laugh. Today Mum went through the alley in her village as a shortcut home, and got flashed by a crusty old hobo. Instead of getting flustered or angry, she just clicked her fingers and said "Bugger! That reminds me - I forgot to buy macaroni." I'm delighted to say she's currently enjoying macaroni cheese and wondering "Why are men so proud of their little noodles?"

Quote of the Day: "Luposlipaphobia: The fear of being pursued by timber wolves around a kitchen table while wearing socks on a newly-waxed floor." - A fictional phobia created by Gary Larson, author of Far Side comics.

Murphy, Motorbikes and Mr Muscle

It snowed! Snowed thick and beautiful - what a glorious blanket we have here. His Lordship is amazed, apparently they've not had proper snow down here for years. Next door's roof looks like a lovely alpine mountain, glittering in the bright winter sunlight. In fact, the neighbours were clearing the snow off their car, dad and one of the sons, when dad scooped a big armful off the side and all over the poor boy! Alright, it was brief, but it was pretty and enough to snow people in! The rhubarb will be good this year if it keeps getting so cold. (Pic: down our normally very busy road. Eerily quiet and beautifully white...)

Oh no. Now I'm really not a happy bunny. They've replaced the Mr Muscle guy with some animated science superhero. But I always preferred the geeky little guy, he always showed that even the most useless of us could do it. Oh well, I don't recon the new one will last as many years as the old one. (Pic: clicky for bigger - the snow on the bushes overhanging the garden.)

Murphy's Law hit me all over again. I recieved one of these "nice little" chain mails - but this time I appreciated some of the sensible comments it made: "smile when you answer the phone - you might not think it, but people really CAN hear it" and that sort 0f thing. So this time, I read the whole thing. The ususal send to so many people yadayada - "Within the next 6 minutes. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired!" Fair enough, heard it all before. Yawned at that bit and sent it on anyway (see previous comment on sensible) having BCC'd it.

After, I thought I better give this hire bike a quick try (Mine went over 1k miles some days ago and needed a look over) to get used to it. I thought I'd take it to the supermarket and top up the fuel. I pulled the little bike out of the garage, hopped on, started it. (It's LIKE a Suzuki Access in the pic - but even Google doesn't know much about TGIB Sport, unless you're looking for "Thank God It's Beer".) It made a funny noise. I tried again, wondering if it worked a bit differently to my lovely little Lead. It made another funny noise but started - took me to the top of the drive, coughed pitifully and died. They delivered it without fuel! I came back in to find I had received the email back from my uncle who asked if it helped. Apparently not.

"I'll just put the drill on 'Silent Mode' then- they come with silencers now doncha know!" - Our electrician.